


I Know You'll Forgive Me

by happilyappled



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Bandom Big Bang, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, References to Suicide, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 11:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happilyappled/pseuds/happilyappled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard Way loves being a tutor, but at the age of twenty seven he is hired by the Ieros to home-school their son. Frank Iero is the little boy who has to live with an uncommon growth disorder and Gerard will tutor him and lead them both in a life-changing experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know You'll Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fierda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fierda/gifts), [Franklero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Franklero/gifts).



> **Just to clear things out, Frank might be 7 years old in the beginning of this story, but NOTHING illegal happens when he's underage.**
> 
>  
> 
> The story has officially been translated in Portuguese (PTBR) by myieroromance, and will be posted on Watpad! [Link.](http://www.wattpad.com/98945527-i-know-you%27ll-forgive-me-frerard-au-prologue)
> 
> Many thanks to my excellent betas, Janice & Amber, and to Erika, Coco, Cristy, Leah and Sylvia: you're behind every single creation I make. You're beautiful and inspiring, I love you ♥
> 
> A big, big thank you to [Franklero](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Franklero) and [viviansface](http://archiveofourown.org/users/viviansface) for feeling inspired by this fic and creating amazing things with it! You can find Cinthia's art pieces [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/852300) (mild spoilers) and viviansface's mix [here](http://viviansface.livejournal.com/31257.html)! Yet none of this would have been possible without the [Bandom Big Bang mods](http://bandombigbang.dreamwidth.org/)!

**Prologue.**

Frank and Angela Iero were a couple like any other and all they wanted was a child. They had hope for a long time, but nothing seemed to work and they turned to fertility treatments. They soon found out that Frank had severe genetic issues that made it harder for them to conceive. In the end, they were graced with a miracle. Angela got pregnant even though she was already past the forty year old barrier.

Frank Iero Jr. was born with no apparent trouble. His mother was submitted to a safe C-section and his father held him close as soon as the baby was weighed and cleaned up. Everything seemed normal. When he wasn’t even three years old, however, Frank Jr.’s medical condition started to change.

At the bi-annual pediatric appointment, the doctor started noticing that Frank Jr. was growing too much for his age; his weight was low for his height, and there were some anomalies in his skin pigmentation. At first, it seemed to be nothing serious and the doctor let it go, but when Frank Jr. sprained an arm while at the playground, Dr. Jay noticed that his bones were growing faster than normal. Now, _that_ was unusual.

The parents worked with the doctors as much as they could, helping Dr. Jay tracing back the medical records of both sides of the family tree, and the fact was that there had been several cases of premature aging in the Iero family’s records. Frank Sr.’s granduncle had developed Werner’s syndrome, at the age of thirty-four, which is characterized by premature aging in adults. Then, for several generations of first-borns, there had been cases of Progeria, a condition that made young children start showing signs of aging. These cases worried the doctor and he immediately set out to find out the characteristics of Frank Jr.’s particular case.

As time went by and more tests were made, the Ieros were told that their four-year-old son was in fact aging twice as fast as what was normal for his age. It was a very rare genetic condition that was completely irreversible and untreatable.

Frank Jr.’s case was one of a kind.

 

**1\. September 2004**

Gerard Way is at home, browsing the newspaper for any job opportunity. He sees his own ad; short, precise, indicating his willingness to tutor kids of all ages, but then he goes back to his job search. He needs to do something or he’ll go crazy just sitting around in his mother’s house. He turned twenty-seven this year, and he is desperate for his independence. He will wait tables or clean bathrooms if he has to; he won’t enjoy it, but at least it’ll be something that helps pay the bills.

He graduated on education about two years ago, after changing schools twice. He’d tried art school, because it was his dream since he was a toddler and his maternal grandmother introduced him to the beauty of creating something using imagination and technique, but it had been too expensive. Then, he’d tried to get into drama, but the teachers and every other student in the school discouraged him, scorning him for his efforts. He didn’t really blame them, though. He had been affected severely by his grandmother’s death, her absence in his life a gaping hole that only alcohol could fill. As a result, he was reduced to a drunken stupor most of the time, and he knew that his heart hadn’t been in the right place at that point, and he hadn’t had the energy or the passion for acting. Therefore, he dropped out in the middle of the second semester. 

After a few weeks of moping in his parents’ basement, welcoming the darkness and the solitude, his mother put her foot down and demanded him to do something with his life. She said he shouldn’t be wasting away in mourning and self-pity, adding with a tremor of pain in her voice that his grandmother wouldn’t have wanted to see him like that. Against his will, he looked for different college offers and, tired of his mother’s persistence, he sent out applications to the cheapest school. And that was how he got into education.

It wasn’t so bad after all, and he actually enjoyed his six month internship at a middle school, so today he is happy with his career “choice”. Long gone are the days of mourning, depression and alcoholism. It’s just too bad that he is currently still unemployed.

He’s turning the page with a huff and an ad offering a position in a bookstore catches his eye when the phone rings. He looks down at the newspaper reading every single detail of that ad and reaches out absent-mindedly for the cordless phone that’s next to the couch. He picks it up casually and says, “Hello?”

“Hello. Am I speaking to Gerard Way?” a female voice asks, sharp but delicate.

“Yes, speaking.” Gerard responds, straightening up because this sounds serious. There’s a sudden flicker of hope growing in him and his heart starts to race. He tries not to get his hopes high, tries to match this voice to his mother’s, but this voice sounds too formal and too serious to be his mother. It could be a response to his ad. He exhales, waiting for the voice to speak again.

“Hello, Mr. Way, my name’s Angela Iero. I saw your ad in the newspaper and I’d like to hire you as a tutor to home-school my son,” the woman says and Gerard grins to himself, leaning back against the couch. This is great news. He is finally being offered a job, after months of looking for one and after weeks of posting the same ad, spending his mother’s money because he didn’t have any.

He sits back down on the couch with the notebook and pen that are always by the phone set, and jots down all the information Mrs. Iero gives him. He will need it soon to go to his first job interview. Well, he has been interviewed before, but never by a mother; never to home-school a child. Now that he thinks about it, as he writes down the kid’s age, he has never dealt with a seven-year-old, but he’ll have his chance now.

❄

Two weeks later, on a Friday, Gerard dresses up in his new white dress shirt and red tie, and completes his outfit with his old leather jacket to not seem such a traditionalist teacher who wears suits all the time, and takes his beat-up car to the Ieros’ house.

The house is huge, and looks impressive and intimidating at the same time. From the outside, it doesn’t seem very cozy, with a tall fence all around it and the thick gate at the entrance, with a large IERO engraved on it. Gerard gulps when he first stands before it, feeling so small and insignificant, while he uneasily checks his watch and waits for the exact minute he had arranged with Mrs. Iero to ring the doorbell. He doesn’t want to be late or early — he wants to be right on time.

Once inside, however, he changes his opinion. The house feels quite homely, in bright but comfortable colors and nicely decorated with pots and plants and photographs, and it’s really aesthetically pleasing and welcoming. The woman that greets him is older than he expected, remembering how she said that she had a seven-year-old son, but her smile is warm and friendly. And so are her eyes.

Mrs. Iero invites Gerard to the large living room and he sits on the couch when he is politely told to. She sits on the armchair in front of him and they start talking about Gerard’s habilitations, Gerard seeing the copy of his resume he had sent over mail last week. She tells him that he is young enough to be a good influence on her only son, and that his semester at art school is what she thought would be useful for her son because _Frank_ colors a lot and actually likes to draw, and is quite good at it. Gerard nods and thanks her, like it’s a big deal, but he is truly excited for this. She asks him, “Would you like to meet Frank now?”

“I’d love to,” he replies with a sincere smile. He is intrigued about this kid.

Mrs. Iero — who insisted that Gerard should call her _Angela_ , but he can’t even get used to that idea — has said that he has a genetic problem that makes him look older than he really is, and that it had brought him trouble last year when they tried to put him in school. The other kids had given him a hard time because of his looks and, being a rather innocent six year old, he didn’t know how to deal with that. According to his mother, Frank spent the first six months of this year going to the doctor because of his anxiety attacks, so his parents decided he should be home-schooled instead since they are able to afford a private teacher’s fees.

Gerard waits behind Mrs. Iero as she opens the door with a screenshot from _The Lion King_ hanging under a plaque with the kid’s name, FRANK. While the name is scribbled down rather shakily, certainly made by a young hand that hasn’t learned how to write just yet, the picture looks really cute. It’s an actual drawing, Gerard realizes when he’s close enough and, if it was made by Frank himself, it is rather impressive. Gerard smiles at the idea of doing art with such a skilled kid, but he looks away when Mrs. Iero calls for her son.

“I have someone here to meet you. Remember when we agreed on finding you a teacher?” she’s saying in a much softer voice than during the whole time she was talking to Gerard. That is comforting, knowing that she is kind and loving to her son and professional to others. This means Gerard will not have to tutor a kid with a difficult family background. Everything seems normal.

Well, normal until Mrs. Iero steps out of the way and Gerard finds himself looking at a teenager. He certainly doesn’t look like a kid who’s seven years old. He’s too tall, too developed for his age. It’s his short hair, chubby cheeks and the fact that he is staining a coloring book with red and blue at the same time that gives it away, but had Gerard seen him on the street, he would have never been able to correctly guess his age. He would have said _fifteen_ , not seven. His mother did say he looks older than he really is, except she never said _how much_ older. It seems rather impossible to Gerard that someone so young can look so grown up, but he must accept it.

“Hello,” Gerard says in a low voice, smiling only a bit and sending Frank a little wave. He doesn’t want to make the kid nervous, but apparently he fails because Frank puts the pencils down and goes to sit down on his bed, hiding behind a small children’s book.

Mrs. Iero smiles at Gerard and approaches her son, sitting down beside him and leaning closer to whisper something in his ear. The kid looks up and meets Gerard’s gaze. His eyes look young and a little scared, but Gerard can only imagine what he went through in his first months of school. His mother said that he’d been disrespected and bullied, and that his teachers hadn’t really protected or helped him, and now Frank looks rather insecure about Gerard’s presence. Gerard doesn’t move, though; he just waits for Frank to get used to his presence and accept him.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a minute,” Mrs. Iero says, but Frank seems slightly frightened and reaches for his mother’s sleeve when she gets up. He doesn’t know Gerard, so of course he doesn’t trust Gerard either, but that’s understandable. Gerard can work through that. Or at least he can try. 

For now, he watches Mrs. Iero smiling down at her son sweetly before she adds, “I’ll leave the door open and you can call me if anything happens.”

“You too,” she says to Gerard when she walks past him. Gerard nods and lets her leave, never taking his eyes off of Frank. He’s curled up on the bed, the book open in his hands, looking shyly at Gerard.

“Hello,” Gerard tries again, smiling a little more this time and trying to sound friendly. He can do this. “My name’s Gerard, what’s yours?” He knows he sounds corny, but Frank seems so scared of him. Gerard has no idea what to do to help Frank open up and feel secure with him.

“Frank Anthony,” he replies in a barely existent voice. It pleases Gerard anyway, because at least he’s talking. He’s just shy, and that’s a comforting thought.

“Frankanthony. Is that all one word?” Gerard decides to joke. He can only keep a light atmosphere in the room, if he wants to conquer Frank’s initial trust.

“No.” Frank giggles, hiding half of his face behind his book again. “It’s two words. Frank _and_ Anthony,” he adds, counting the words on his fingers and showing them to Gerard. He considers this as opening up.

Gerard smiles. “In that case, can I just call you Frank?” The kid nods and Gerard moves closer to the bed, gesturing with his hands and asking for permission to sit down. Frank only nods again, curling up some more and pressing further against the headboard.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me,” Gerard tries to reassure him, speaking softly and not staring into Frank’s eyes. He doesn’t want to be intimidating and end up scaring him away. “I’m here to help you. Your parents told me what happened in school last year and asked me not to let it happen again. I’m here to teach you what you would learn there without actually leaving the house. Do you want to?”

At first, there is no reply, but when Gerard studies Frank’s figure, he’s no longer hiding his face and the book has slid down to his lap. He continues, “I can tell you about all the best things in the world. I want to show you all the beautiful things out there. Will you let me?”

After a small pause, Frank nods his head gently, before showing Gerard a little smile. Gerard is pretty content about this reaction. Frank might look like a teenager; tall enough, his features no longer childish, his limbs long enough to fool everyone about his age, but his eyes don’t really lie. He gazes at Gerard like a child, the same way he smiles like a child and acts like one too. This amazes Gerard in a rather strange way, but he is confident about this. Frank looks adorable and it seems that he likes to draw and color, so Gerard bets he will have a good time around him. He’s feeling very positive about this. He feels it in his gut, and he’s ready to trust his instinct.

“Mama said you can draw?” Frank asks. His voice is still low and insecure, but Gerard tries to show him that he’s here to be trusted, not feared.

“I love to draw,” Gerard says with an honest smile, and begins a cute conversation with a seven-year old about coloring books and Disney movies. Frank seems to love them and Gerard is more than willing to help him with everything else, especially if it helps him to let go of his shyness and warm up to Gerard.

Frank also tells him about his favorite book and how he already knows the words to it, even though he can’t read them yet. Gerard promises Frank that it will be the first book he will learn to read, but then they’re interrupted by Mrs. Iero. They’re kneeling beside the bed, the book open in front of them with bright images and small sentences in a huge font telling the story about a pirate, when she comes in and asks if they’re having fun.

Apparently, it’s been over an hour and it’s time for Frank’s bath, so Gerard gets up to leave. Mrs. Iero sends Frank to the bathroom, even though he’s pouting at the maid that’s by the door waiting for him. Mrs. Iero turns back to Gerard, saying, “I’ll have to help Rosario with his bath, but my husband is in the living room with our lawyer. There’s a contract waiting for you, Mr. Way.”

Gerard tries his best not to let his excitement show, although his chest inflates in joy at the news. He’s going to be hired as a tutor. He will have a job. A job that he thinks he will enjoy very much. “Thank you, Mrs. Iero.”

“Angela,” she corrects him again, making Gerard cringe but nod. “Don’t thank me. You are the first to kneel down next to Frank to talk about his favorite book. I heard you promising him that it’d be the first book he will learn how to read from, and I think that is very thoughtful of you.”

“I was trying to get his trust,” Gerard replies, feeling embarrassed at the praise as he justifies his actions. He’s smiling too, thinking about the contract he’s going to sign, but he truly wants to help Frank. “He seems like a sweet kid, and I’ll do my best to help.”

“I’m glad, but now I must go,” Angela says, right before Gerard hears a childish yell from somewhere in the house. “Excuse me. Frank hates bathing.”

Gerard smiles fondly at her, remembering his own aversion to water when he was just a kid and how his mother made him cry and yell pretty much every day. He might have to teach Frank to like water too, and he’s going to use the same technique his grandmother used on him, but that will have to be only after he gets Frank’s trust. And for that, he needs to go sign this contract that’s apparently waiting for him in the living room.

Mr. Iero, who also insists that Gerard should call him _Frank_ , is a good-looking man. As with his wife, he’s older than Gerard expected, but his voice is strong, stately and composed, and his brown eyes are kind. Gerard feels pretty calm around him. This whole family is so welcoming, and Gerard is glad they called him.

The contract, as the Iero’s lawyer reads, guarantees Gerard a year of tutoring Frank and, if satisfied with his work, the Ieros can renew it for as many years as they want, but of course that would also be subject to Gerard’s willingness to continue as a tutor with Frank. Gerard nods as he listens to the lawyer, following the reading on his own copy of the contract to verify that he agrees with every single term. The conditions seem pretty favorable and reasonable to him. In the end, he signs it and shakes hands with the two men.

Gerard goes home with a smile on his face and makes plans for the night: he’s going to choose the best textbooks and materials to work on with Frank. He’s going to do this for real. He’s going to start tutoring, and although a little nervous about it, Gerard is very excited about this opportunity.

 

**2\. January – July 2005**

It’s been a couple of months since Gerard shared his idea with the Ieros. He wanted to take Frank for swimming lessons. They frowned at his suggestion, arguing that if Frank was afraid of water in the bathtub, the pool would only make it worse, but Gerard disagreed. He told them his own story; his grandmother had taught him how to swim for fun and he gradually understood that water would not harm him in any way, and that being clean felt pretty good. He also said that it would probably help Frank getting control over his body coordination, which is still very awkward and inconsistent. Frank’s body is growing too fast. Frank’s disorder is making him live two days in twenty four hours, two years in only twelve months, and he barely has time to adjust to his new body every day.

Gerard only wanted to help. He was getting pretty close to Frank as they’d been together for three hours every week day, and it had been good for them. Frank had slowly been opening up to Gerard, and in return Gerard learned that he had a soft side, softer than he imagined.

In the end, the Ieros let Gerard take Frank to the municipal pool in January, three months into Gerard’s first year of tutoring. He took Frank to the pool, and while in the first weeks he showed a lot of apprehension about it, Frank soon became quite fond of the clear waters. He even surprised his mother by wanting to bathe after every lesson with Gerard.

After only three months of swimming lessons, Frank has learned how to swim and be a little more confident about his body. He has also learned how to have fun in the water. His teacher, Ray Toro, is a friend of Gerard’s as they went to high school together, and he agreed to give Frank some private lessons. Gerard obviously told him about Frank’s disorder and together, they have managed to get Frank to enjoy swimming.

Frank looks rather different, too. He might be only eight years old, but he looks like a handsome teen. His muscles are a lot more defined, and he is no longer so awkward while moving, which makes Gerard very pleased with his progress. Frank’s parents seem pleased, too.

Every time Gerard congratulates Frank for what he has achieved, as he drives them back home, Frank just grins at him foolishly and asks why Gerard never goes swimming with him. Gerard explains that these lessons are exclusively for Frank, but that one day he might join Frank for a swim as he enjoys doing it.

That day comes during the summer. The weather is warm and Frank is grinning confidently at Gerard and Ray when they meet outside, and before Ray sends Frank to change into his swimming trunks, Gerard says, “I brought my own trunks today, Frank. Ray said I can swim with you in the private pool, but — would you maybe like to go swimming with the other classes? There are a few more kids like you learning how to swim, and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we joined them.”

Frank looks quite scared of that invitation, so Gerard lets it go. He doesn’t insist on it. He has always taken really small steps with Frank and this time won’t be any different. Gerard does join Frank and Ray in the pool that day and for the following lessons. Then, after a few more sessions, Frank finally says yes. “I’d like to swim with the other kids, Gerard.”

The next day, they take an extra class and Gerard leads Frank to the common pool, where kids of all ages are swimming and having fun. He just wants to help Frank feel good around people, and at first they stay alone, swimming together, or exercising their body coordination underwater, or playing with a ball. Gerard notices that Frank starts by looking quite scared, then merely apprehensive, but by the beginning of July, he’s smiling and even passing the ball when another kid sends it flying closer to them.

This is a very important day to Gerard. He has changed Frank a little more, over the course of a few months. It helps that Frank is so strong-minded and that he trusts Gerard, who would never do or suggest anything that might hurt Frank. He’s happy that Frank has in fact let him help, because Gerard only wants what’s best for him.

 

**3\. October 2006**

It’s one week before Frank’s birthday, which is on Halloween, and Gerard is really excited about it. He’s planning a small party at the Iero house, something Frank has never had before. This will be his very first birthday party, with his family coming in; his cousins and Frank himself, are required to wear a costume.

As far as Gerard knows, everybody is looking forward to it, except Frank. He hates his ghost costume and doesn’t understand why nobody else is dressing up, especially Gerard, even though he tries to explain to Frank that Halloween is mostly a holiday for children, which is why his parents won’t put on a costume. And yet he teases, “I might have a little surprise for you, though.”

Despite everything Gerard explained about the party, including how important it should be for Frank, he spends the whole week annoyed, disobeying and pouting at every chance he gets. Gerard can only shake his head helplessly about it, because he kind of understands. Frank’s family has rarely had a get-together, only meeting once in a while, and Frank isn’t really close to his cousins. And while Frank is not one of the oldest kids, he looks like it and that might be Frank’s main problem.

Recently, Frank has developed hatred towards his body. It is mostly due to those swimming lessons and to the fact that some kids made fun of him when he told them his age. That hurt Gerard too, and he has been struggling with Frank’s low self-esteem and his fears about what everybody might say about his looks. Nothing Gerard ever says makes Frank change his mind about that, and lately about the party and the guests.

So when the day comes, Gerard is having breakfast alone in his apartment, which he has been able to rent due to his income. It’s small and cozy, but he’s finally out of his mother’s house and he’s thankful for that. His phone rings that morning, but Gerard doesn’t expect to hear Angela’s troubled voice. “I think we need your help, Gerard. Frank doesn’t want to get up, not even after we brought him breakfast in bed and gave him his first birthday gift. And we got him that comic book he’s been asking for so long.”

Gerard frowns a little at that because he has bought a comic book for Frank as well, an entire collection actually, but he wonders what might be happening to Frank. He has been cranky the whole week, so maybe that’s still it. He’s still not excited about his birthday, as it has always been just another day for him for the past ten years. With his mind on a quick plan to change that, Gerard replies to Angela: “I’ll be there in an hour.”

Gerard grabs everything he needs for the day and leaves his apartment with an expectant smile on his face. He mentally reviews the plans he has made and hopes Frank becomes excited about them too. At the Iero house, however, he spends almost an hour talking to Frank in order to convince him that it’s going to be an amazing day. In the end, Frank lets Gerard cajole him out of bed and send him off for a shower, but he goes grumbling and frowning.

After lunch, Gerard starts working on his plan. He talked to his mother a few days ago and she accepted his idea, so he drives Frank to her beauty shop and struggles with him to finally let the beautician work on his hair and do his make-up. Frank is still unresponsive, and adamant in his hatred for the party later tonight, even though it will only be with his family and Gerard is pretty sure that they love him very much.

Frank’s face softens when he sees the result of Mrs. Way’s work; his face has been transformed into a ghostly mask, with white powder everywhere, and his hair is a mass of pure white as well, and even his arms and nails are completely white. Frank gets up from the beautician’s chair and inspects himself closer in the tall mirror in the corner of the shop, spending a few minutes over there without anybody interrupting. When he turns around to look at Gerard, there’s a positive expression on his features and his eyes seem to be shining, so Gerard grins at him in response. He knew Frank would like his idea of a thorough ghost mask. 

However, back in the car, Frank sounds a little disappointed when he asks, “I still don’t get it why I’m the only one wearing a costume.”

“Who told you that?” Gerard asks, trying really hard to contain his grin. “I mean, all your cousins will be wearing one too, and we’ll have a contest and everything, to choose the best costume. It will be fun, you’ll see.”

Since Frank doesn’t seem very excited yet, Gerard drops a little hint, feeling quite hopeful about it. “And I’ve got my own costume in the trunk.”

The kid turns to him wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, looking seriously surprised. Frank begs him, curiously, “Can I see it? Please…”

“Later.” Gerard winks at him, but Frank pouts again before fighting for his right to see it since Gerard has seen his, and since it is for his birthday party. Gerard only laughs at his whines, though, and that light, teasing atmosphere remains through the rest of the ride back home.

Back at home, Gerard helps Frank Sr. check every detail in the backyard, mostly concerned about safety measures and the games, which should be running perfectly and should have all the rules thoroughly explained to the children. Gerard has taken care of that and he’s not worried, so he puts up a smile and goes to check up on Frank.

He’s in his bedroom, fully dressed up now, but he doesn’t seem happy at all. Frank asks about Gerard’s costume again, to which Gerard replies, “I’ll go put it on if you promise me that, when the party starts, you’ll smile the whole time. Come on, I know you can do it.”

Frank nods sadly, but he hugs Gerard briefly and thanks him for everything he’s done. And Gerard feels pretty flattered and comforted to hear that, so he encourages Frank to be himself today and give everybody a chance to see how amazing he is.

Later on, Gerard finally puts his costume on. It’s only a home-made cowboy costume, with an old flannel shirt and a brown vest that belongs to his father, and an old, used hat and a star on his lapel. He’s going to be a cowboy sheriff today, but it’s mostly to give Frank some enthusiasm. He’s been fond of western movies that Frank Sr. has been watching with him and, in fact, he seems very ecstatic to see Gerard come into the backyard.

“Gerard! You’re gonna win the costume contest,” Frank exclaims enthusiastically, jumping around Gerard and touching the golden star. Gerard only laughs at Frank’s exuberance and sends him off to the group of children.

There are not a lot of kids. Frank Sr. only has one brother, who brought his sixteen-year-old twin boys and his seven-year-old daughter. As for Angela, three of her four siblings have come to the party, making a total of ten children, from three to sixteen years old. Although there are four kids who are older than Frank, Gerard can’t help but notice that he looks like one of the oldest kids, and then realizes why Frank spent the whole week dreading this party. The twins keep making spiteful comments about Frank’s looks, even though he’s hiding under a ghost sheet and heavy make-up, and in result, Frank doesn’t seem to be having much fun at his party.

There is music coming from the speakers Frank Sr. put up outside, connected to the house stereo system that has been brought to the backyard so that the Ieros can control who uses it and who doesn’t. Everybody is playing the games, with Gerard and Frank Sr. explaining the rules to two different teams.

This is supposed to be a competition, but Gerard studies Frank the whole time and sees that he isn’t trying hard enough to play anything, but he doesn’t want to comment on that until the games are over. Even the malicious teenage twins are interested in winning, but not Frank. He’s barely even smiling, and at the end, when the twins’ team wins and celebrates, Frank is sulking for his losing team. It’s only games and fun, but Frank didn’t focus enough on pretty much anything and it made his team lose, which makes Frank seem rather unhappy. Afterwards, with Angela calling everybody for some snacks by the pool shed, Gerard waits as Frank gets some food for himself and pulls him aside to talk to him. 

“What’s going on with you?” Gerard asks, once he’s brought Frank back into the house. He wants to be away from everyone so he can get an honest answer from Frank.

He says, “I didn’t want this party and I hate it. I didn’t even like the games.”

Gerard stares at the young man in front of him, knowing better than to be fooled by his sight. Frank is as innocent as the smaller kids out there in the yard, but so much bigger than them, and Gerard knows that Frank has been made fun of by his oldest cousins. He asks if that’s the problem, but Frank only shrugs in response.

“Frank, I know people have hurt you because of what you look like, but while you can’t fight it physically, you can try to feel confident about it. I know you have it in you. I’ve seen you get more and more self-confident since I met you, so I know you can pull this off. You’re the only one who matters, okay? Especially today, so please try to cheer up. Your parents let me prepare this after-noon for you and I loved doing it, but I want you to have fun.”

“I wanna have fun with you,” Frank whines, throwing his arms around Gerard’s middle. He pulls them close and squeezes Gerard a bit, but Gerard only replies with, “You have fun with me every day. Today your cousins came here to play games with you and look at them, they’re alone. They busted themselves off at the games and you were barely trying; I saw you, but I don’t understand why. Go out there and enjoy this time with them.”

“They don’t even like me…”

“If they didn’t like you, they wouldn’t have come, would they? They would have gone to another Halloween party, but they’re here. Look at them in their little costumes. They worked on those for your party, but if you’re not out there with them…” Gerard doesn’t conclude his thought, instead staring down at Frank in silence.

They’re still wrapped around each other and Frank looks so down, frowning and pouting and sighing. Gerard considers how he can convince Frank to try again for his own sake, as today should be special to him, but doesn’t come up with anything. He has tried everything during the week and nothing worked on Frank, so Gerard pulls him away from their hug and adds, “This is your first birthday party and I want you to be happy. I know you can do that, so please.”

Frank is staring at Gerard and still looks disappointed, saddened too, but he stutters, “I’ll try.”

Gerard still frowns at his response, having wanted to be more successful with this party, but it’s not working. He feels like he should do so much more for Frank, wanting to make him happy again, but there is only so much he can do with the whole afternoon planned out with the Ieros. Even so, he considers that trying is good enough for him, and he will try everything as well to make this at least enjoyable to Frank. Gerard tells him so and suggests that they go back to the party. Frank nods, reluctantly.

Gerard thinks about talking privately to the twins, so that they stop making nasty jokes and pulling pranks on Frank, because this is _his_ birthday party and Frank ought to feel good. First, he talks to the boys’ parents to warn them about this and after that, the afternoon progresses rather nicely. He also asks the adults to participate in the next games, and being in the same team as his mother, Frank seems to be trying to play and win. In the end, the twins’ team wins again, but Frank doesn’t seem to care about that anymore.

Gerard can hear his little laugh as he plays around with his three-year-old cousin. It’s satisfying to see that Frank and the toddler remain inseparable throughout the rest of the games.

The sun starts setting soon and Frank’s mother goes to the kitchen to get the expected birthday cake. Even Frank is grinning about it, as Gerard approaches him from behind and touches Frank’s shoulder. When he turns around to look over Gerard’s hand, Gerard whispers to him, “I’m so proud of you.” Frank’s grin extends to his eyes in the sweetest gaze Gerard has ever seen, and Gerard feels definitely excited about that.

Once the cake is brought to the table outside, Gerard lights up the candle on it and everybody sings the happy birthday song. Frank only looks around at his family once before he leans back against Gerard and makes a rather unique request, “Blow it out with me.”

“It will be an honor,” Gerard replies, smiling back softly. He studies Frank’s pallid face and his shining eyes, and then he barely blows the candle, but knows Frank is happy to share this moment with him. He sees so in the shy smile Frank shows him afterwards.

He looks so charming right then, with such an appealing expression over his face, winning Gerard over once again, even though he’s already infatuated by Frank. He can’t take his eyes away, even when Frank’s mother starts cutting the cake and everybody starts eating their pieces. Frank just looks so beautiful like this. It’s amazing and fulfilling, seeing Frank smiling so softly after a difficult afternoon, but Gerard has seen him try, has heard him laugh and has seen him happy.

Nothing seems impossible to him right now.

 

**4\. July 2007**

For the holiday, the Ieros came into town to see the annual fireworks show. Gerard came with them so he can drive Frank back home afterwards, as his parents want to go out alone, but he doesn’t mind. He has grown to love Frank very much and is willing to spend a couple more hours with him tonight.

He has taken Frank out quite often, as the spring weather has been appealing, and Frank has always liked those outings. He likes the sunlight, the colors of the world, seeing and hearing people without feeling judged, and Gerard can’t be prouder of Frank for having matured so much and so positively regarding his disorder. His parents had always been afraid of showing him to the world and hurting him, but being outside is just what Frank needs to work on his self-confidence.

Gerard’s daily lessons since March have been out in the sun, either in the house’s garden, or at the park, or even at the beach on really nice days. Most of the time, Frank has a smile on his face and Gerard loves seeing it on him. He’s still the same ten-year-old kid, and it shows in his language, behavior or his tiny infectious laugh, but on the outside he’s a very handsome young man. His face is squared and every line is defined, and his body is grown and developed as if he was around twenty years old, but it’s merely an illusion.

This kind of disappoints Gerard, but he is never going to tell anyone about this. He loves Frank for who he is, the wonderful, innocent child, but he _looks_ at Frank in a completely different way. It doesn’t matter, though. Frank is who he is and that’s it. Gerard will never be able to know him otherwise.

He used to wish that life was easier for Frank, being such a simple and caring boy in a deceiving body, but not anymore. Gerard has been looking out for Frank, teaching him everything and making him happy, and it has somewhat changed Frank’s outlook on his physical condition. Now Frank is a happier kid, comfortable with his looks, and Gerard feels accomplished about that.

Today, on the fourth of July, the moonlight shines on Frank’s face and makes his anticipating gaze stand out. He’s never been out at night, so this must be very exciting to him. He is glowing next to Gerard, grasping the tutor’s arm and slightly jumping up and down, but he’s only a bit shorter than Gerard and that is very awkward. Gerard feels like he’s waiting for tonight’s show with his boyfriend, because Frank looks so grown-up and beautiful. Gerard could date him, or date someone who looked like him at least, but he bites down on his tongue, shakes his head a little and looks to the side as though trying to erase the idea from his mind. Frank is there next to him, his parents on his other side, waiting too.

Finding Frank’s childish eyes gazing up at him, shining brightly as the moment he’s been waiting for approaches, Gerard realizes that he needs to stop this. He needs to stop thinking about Frank’s looks.

He sighs and, a moment later, the show starts. They’re at a very safe distance, but Frank still jumps at the first pyrotechnic explosion. The expression on his face changes completely. He looks up at Gerard and his eyes no longer gleam; he seems terrified. He also has a death grip on Gerard’s arm, squeezing it tightly, but Gerard doesn’t mind. This being the first time Frank sees fireworks in person, Gerard understands that he’s a little intimidated and tells him that it’s okay. Frank, however, hides his face against Gerard, jumping with every boom.

“It’s not gonna hurt you, Frank. It’s artificial,” Gerard whispers into his ear, smoothing the hair at the back of his head with his fingers. “You should be seeing this. It’s so beautiful, filling the night sky with colors and fake rain.”

Frank jumps at the next boom and shivers, wrapping his arms tightly around Gerard’s middle. Gerard spares a look towards his parents, feeling a bit awkward, but they are standing there smiling sweetly at their son’s innocence. They don’t realize that this is their fault, never having taken Frank out, never having shown him the world, just filling his head with doubts about safety and everything else. Gerard doesn’t think about that thoroughly, though. He just holds Frank back and keeps whispering into his ear. “Look up, you’re safe. I’m here. It can’t harm you, trust me.”

After some time of repeating these assuring messages, Frank looks up and he seems amazed. The show should be finished soon, but Gerard can’t help but watch Frank instead. They’re still embracing each other and it’s cute, but the best part is that the colors are reflecting on Frank’s face now and he has this intrigued look all over him. He still jumps with the loud explosions, but he seems less scared now.

And once again, Gerard notices how handsome he really is, his cheeks no longer chubby, the bridge of his nose still a little pitched and his mouth lines no longer tiny and childish. He looks so tempting right now, as he studies the colors in the sky.

If it were a different situation, if there was a different soul in this body, Gerard would very much like to kiss Frank, but he won’t. Frank’s not even eleven years old yet, and although Gerard has had to explain to him that people are meant to be together and attract each other, Frank can’t possibly know what it means. He has only seen his mother and father, his uncles and aunts together, and not every doubt is really clarified. Gerard might have to tell him that there are many ways to love somebody, but not right now. He’s still so young.

By the end of the fireworks show, Gerard pecks Frank’s temple tenderly, but swallows hard when Frank smiles at him, thanking him with a stronger hug. With the previous thoughts still lingering on his mind, Gerard chokes up as he says, “You’re welcome. You deserve all the beautiful things in life.”

❄

Back at home, Frank is very quiet. He’s been like this since before they left his parents and Gerard is slightly concerned about this timid behavior. “Are you alright?”

“I dunno,” Frank answers with a shrug as they walk up the _stairs_ to Frank’s bedroom. 

It’s not the usual boy’s room, at least not as Gerard remembers his own from when he was a kid. Frank’s is tidy and clean, smelling good; there are his textbooks and notebooks on the small desk, but the rest of the furniture is empty and spotless. There are no toys on the floor, no laundry to put away, not even an unmade bed, but Gerard knows it’s all Rosario’s work, since she looks after everything in this big house. Still, Frank’s room lacks his cheery personality, even though he’s a little upset at the moment. “I feel a little weird.”

“What is it?” Gerard asks worriedly. Frank gets sick really often, so whenever he claims to be feeling differently, his parents get alarmed about it. Gerard has learned so from them and from having given Frank so many of his lessons while he was in bed recovering from colds or throat infections. First, he feels Frank’s forehead and cheeks, just out of habit, saying, “You don’t look ill, at least not like the other—”

“No, it’s not the same.” Frank pauses, staring at Gerard for a moment. They don’t say anything else immediately as Gerard waits for the rest of Frank’s response. He seems definitely uncomfortable about something because he keeps shifting his weight from one foot to the other and keeps pulling on the hem of his t-shirt. Finally, as Gerard is about to ask him something, Frank takes a deep breath and says, “Do you think I could shower? It usually helps.”

“What’s going on, Frank? Does something hurt?” Gerard asks, frowning. Frank has already showered today, according to what his parents said before they left the house this evening. At this question, Frank starts nodding slowly and Gerard sees him moving an arm downwards, his hand resting over his crotch. Gerard nods back. “Sit down.”

Gerard knows what this might be. Frank is too young for his body, but it still develops on its own, at a super fast pace, disregarding Frank’s age. It seems ready for sex, since this, in Frank’s crotch, can only be an erection. Frank asks him to see it or touch it, like Gerard would do to other wounds, but obviously he refuses; he can find a way to explain this to Frank without losing the chastity of their friendship.

They have talked about attraction, in a rather evasive way of course, and Gerard has told him about sex and babies a few months ago, when one of his aunts got pregnant and Frank asked how it worked. Even so, Gerard never had to tell Frank that his body is ready for a physical connection of that kind, despite Frank being mentally prepared or not, but right now it seems that Gerard has a lot more explaining to do.

“Has this happened before?” he questions and Frank nods slowly in response. He’s looking down at his hands, still playing with the hem of his t-shirt, but Gerard ends that by touching his arm and asking, “Remember when I told you about your aunt’s baby, and about the human bodies connecting through sex? Well, usually we don’t teach children your age about this, because they’re too young to understand, but you need to know this. Your body is growing too quickly, and whether you’re ready or not—”

“No, don’t touch it,” Gerard advises Frank, who is pressing a hand down on his pants’ crotch, scratching it too. There is a small bulge there, but Gerard tears his eyes away and holds Frank’s hand instead. Chastity; he’s thinking about Frank’s chaste mind and not his own urges. Gerard can’t help it, though, because he’s had dreams about Frank, has woken up with morning wood because of Frank’s face, but he never followed through with his body’s desires. Frank is special, not a sexual object. No matter what he looks like, he’s still just a child, and Gerard knows better than to help himself when his own body craves for something.

He focuses back on the subject of Frank’s erection and enlightens him about what is happening with his body, how his dick is an appendage for sex and reproduction and how his mind is still not prepared, so he must be patient. Gerard also promises him that he will find a book to help Frank understand everything better, and Frank seems satisfied by that, but then he asks, “Why can’t I touch there?”

Gerard gulps. _He_ isn’t ready for this at all, but he tries his best. “If you touch it, it could get better, could relieve you from the pain and discomfort, but I don’t know if you—”

He sighs. “Look, it’s just that your body is talking to you, but I don’t think you’re ready for this. I mean, mentally.”

“Because I’m too young,” Frank reasons, earning an honest smile from Gerard. The fact that Frank understands and accepts his disorder is a relief on its own.

“Exactly. I don’t want you to be confused about this, though. It’s completely normal to feel like this, okay?” Gerard smiles at Frank again and ruffles his hair. “I have them too; every man has them, actually. It’s part of us, a physical condition we cannot avoid, but you shouldn’t give it much thought just yet. You just… let it go. The right time will come for you.”

“It’s okay, I get it. Thank you for telling me, Gerard,” Frank says sweetly, in an honest voice. He’s also smiling at Gerard and pulling him in for a hug, which Gerard gives him happily. He’s glad he has diverted another crisis concerning the constant battle between Frank’s body and his mind.

 

**5\. October 2008**

Every time Gerard takes Frank to his paternal grandmother’s costume shop, Frank is astounded by the size of the house where Grandma Ruth lives and works. It’s a tall building downtown with a huge, green wooden door with floral ornaments that have been engraved by hand years ago, and Frank was wide-eyed with curiosity the first time Gerard told him about them. The windows on the frontage are equally imposing, with heavily ornamented wooden frames and marble windowsills, and they can see the green curtains from outside.

As for the inside, there is the first foyer that is gigantic and ballroom-like, and there’s the ancient chandelier hanging from the ceiling that fascinates Frank, and he never seems to get over the grandeur of it as he stares at it in awe every single time. Then right in front of them is the spiral staircase, made of wood that has been painted white by Gerard himself a few years ago, and on the white walls there are floral murals designed and painted by Grandma when she first opened the shop with her husband.

The stairs lead them up to three floors. The first one is where Grandma lives and there’s a wooden, green door with her name engraved on it that is always closed when she’s not at home. The second floor is the huge shop she owns and runs; it’s filled with racks and armoires and old chests, with not only the best costumes for rental, but also hundreds of bolts of fabric to choose from. The third and final floor has the work rooms where the seamstresses work every day to have customized orders ready for their customers.

This year, on the second floor, Grandma shows Frank a lot of different costumes and he likes so many that it’s hard to decide. Gerard understands Frank’s dilemma because they are going to a special party on Halloween. Grandma’s costume shop is celebrating forty years and the family is hosting a big, old-fashioned mask ball for the party.

After an hour, Gerard is still waiting patiently for Frank to choose something that he feels comfortable in. He came with Frank and his mother, but Angela is with Frank, pulling costumes on and off repeatedly, looking for something that fits both his young imagination and his adult body.

Gerard has been watching Frank for four years and his progress has been amazing. Frank is a smart kid and a fast learner; he’s always very eager to gather as much knowledge as Gerard can give him, and that’s a blessing. He is also a dreamer, especially concerning his father’s old music career that Frank wants to pursue as well; his grandfather has been teaching him acoustic guitar and piano, and Frank has actually become quite a good player.

Gerard is very proud of Frank for having become such a talented, charming person and it no longer matters what he looks like. Frank has learned to accept the idea that he will always seem two times older than he actually is, because it’s not his fault, and he doesn’t have to hide because of it. He is already comfortable with who he is, and Gerard loves that.

They spend hours at the shop and Frank chooses a costume at last. When his mother pulls the curtain aside, Frank stands there with a wide, childish grin on his face, in an outfit that is very simple and resembling of Peter Pan. Turning to Gerard, he announces, “I want this one. It reminds me of those stories you used to read to me during the stormy nights. This costume feels like a good adventure for this year.”

“It’s settled, then,” Gerard says. He grins back at Frank and ruffles his hair, complimenting him next for such an interesting choice. Grandma just needs to make a few adjustments so that the outfit looks perfect on Frank at the party.

When they go back home, Frank asks about who the costume represents, and Gerard reminds him of the Peter Pan tale from the books they had together before. “He was my favorite when I was younger. Do you remember how he didn’t want to grow up?”

Frank nods slowly, looking down at his hands and turning away from Gerard. His pose is tiny, his shoulders hunched down and his eyes on the floor, or on the comforter of the bed, as he sits down on it. He’s turned to the only window in his room, with a view to the backyard of the house and the badge of woods past the limits of the Ieros’ property. Gerard is concerned that he might have said something wrong, or something that bothered Frank in any way. “What’s wrong?”

“I will never be like him,” Frank says, looking at the window. He remains turned away from Gerard and doesn’t move. Gerard doesn’t either because Frank sounds really saddened by Peter Pan’s story. “I can’t deny I’m growing up.”

Gerard understands how much of an issue it can be. Frank’s body is growing fast, making him look like an adult, but his eyes still don’t lie about Frank’s age. That’s why Gerard approaches him and tries to look at Frank by kneeling in front of him. He’s looking for the truth in Frank’s see-through eyes; they’re hazel and huge if he’s happy, barely slits if he’s sad or angry. They’re oceans of emotions, a mirror to Frank’s pure soul, no matter how fooled one might be by his adult-like shape. Gerard knows this very well, having been infatuated by Frank’s looks for some time now, but even more so by his innocence and candid nature. Frank is an amazing kid that Gerard loves and respects very much, so Gerard says, “But you can make your growth disorder work in your favor, if you surround yourself with everyone who loves you.”

“Do you love me?” Frank asks in a tentative tone of voice. He looks at Gerard, as shyly as on their very first day, which makes Gerard smile at him in his soft way.

“That’s why I’m here,” he says, before confessing his love for Frank and kissing his cheek. His heart flips at his own words, and he feels slightly overwhelmed. He grins weakly at Frank as he pulls away, clenching his fists tight enough to feel pain, to remind himself of the fact that he can never be able to tell Frank the truth. Gerard knows he will never admit that the love he feels is stronger than the friendship they’ve had for years. No matter how close they grew to each other, Gerard will always be nineteen years older than Frank, despite the looks that could deceive so many people. 

But not Gerard.

❄

At the ball, Gerard is dressed up as one of the Lost Boys to pair up with Frank and never leaves his side. The Ieros are there too, but they’re mingling with the crowd, talking to people, and have entrusted Frank to Gerard’s care, but it won’t be necessary to worry about Frank. He never leaves Gerard’s side, and sometimes Gerard holds his hand or Frank curls his around Gerard’s arm, as they listen to the music in the air and comment on the other costumes.

It’s the first time Gerard has seen Frank so excited about celebrating his birthday because, even though this isn’t a party specifically for him, there is a cake and a special moment dedicated to singing him a happy birthday. Afterwards, Frank has a huge smile on his face and hugs Gerard rather effusively. He looks really happy, and for the rest of the night, Gerard can’t take his eyes off of him.

Frank looks so beautiful, a young man with the virtuous mind of a twelve-year-old, and he sounds very pleased too, singing along to the music, even dancing and making Gerard dance too. Gerard is having a great time watching Frank as he laughs and talks to people he has met before, such as Gerard’s family and closest friends, and he’s gleaming. Tonight, Frank acts like a social bug and he’s more beautiful than ever. His laughter makes his face look rather stunning, with his sharp jawline, his defined nose line and his bright eyes, but mostly Gerard admires his courage.

Frank is facing his condition like a mature kid, a strong person, and although he’s still deeply affected by people and their insults whenever they occur, tonight there is nothing like that. Frank is just happy and that is everything Gerard has ever wanted. Seeing Frank like this, smiling wide and talking to people, is very rewarding and Gerard cannot recall a moment he has been prouder than today.

 

**6\. August 2009**

Today, Gerard is taking Frank to the circus. The traveling caravan of jugglers, illusionists, trapeze artists, clowns and so on came to town last week and will be gone after this weekend. Gerard remembers having been to the circus back in his teenage years, but at the time he’d been too nervous about having been invited by the girl he had a crush and didn’t really enjoy the show. So as soon as Frank tells Gerard and his parents that he’s curious about what it is, Mr. and Mrs. Iero only nod in acquiescence, and so Gerard gets them four tickets and makes this another lesson in socialization.

When they stand in line to go inside the big circus tent, Frank confesses that he’s a little frightened by the fact that he can’t have a private show, the same way he has his very own tutor and swimming instructor. He is slightly shaking against Gerard and keeps looking around them, but Gerard is there with him and for him. His parents seem equally nervous, though, which isn’t helping; Gerard asked them to act normal because that’s the example Frank needs to see so he can feel safe and just be himself around other people, but they’re still a disturbing sight. Gerard knows Frank has been mocked several times and has come out hurt by those social experiences, but he has also been confident and happy, so Gerard isn’t worried.

Frank tugs on the side of Gerard’s black shirt and asks, “Are you sure this was a good idea? I feel like everybody is staring at me.”

“They’re not. That is your… phobia. You stayed at home for years and you’ve been hurt before, and it’s alright to feel like that. But you don’t have to worry; everything is gonna be fine,” Gerard says, uncurling Frank’s hand from around the fabric and holding it instead. Later, as they move forward in line and get to the tent’s main entrance, Gerard slides his hand to the small of Frank’s back and whispers to him, “I will always be here for you, if you need me.”

Frank looks at Gerard, being slightly shorter than him and making this feel weird again. Frank is only twelve years old, he shouldn’t be so tall. Still he flashes one of his biggest grins at Gerard and provides him with another reason to want to stand by this young man and make him happy. Gerard smiles back, dazed by Frank’s beauty, but blinks and looks away when he hears Mr. Iero clearing his throat loudly.

During the show, Frank looks so thrilled to be at this place, watching these talented performers, although he keeps asking Gerard in hushed whispers what’s that trick and how they can do that. He seems fascinated by grown men walking over a rope, or flying so easily from trapeze to trapeze, or performing aerial silk. Frank hides his face in Gerard’s shoulder during the sword swallowing performance and whimpers every time the clowns are on stage, claiming that their made-up faces are not funny to him.

He starts letting loose as the show goes on, but Gerard thinks it might be because of the squeeze of Gerard’s hand on his. Frank doesn’t even look away during the fire breathing act, even though he’s really scared of fire and his grip on Gerard’s hand is so tight that Gerard isn’t sure the blood is circulating properly in it anymore. Frank squeals and hides away again when the clowns come back to the arena for the final act, but Gerard makes him watch. Frank needs this. Gerard knows so because every performer from tonight is coming to the center of the arena, carrying a musical instrument.

This seems to bring Frank back to life and he’s the one to pull Gerard up when the ringmaster incites the audience to join them in the arena for the final performance. Gerard laughs at this enthusiasm brought out by the idea of music, but he goes willingly. He loves it because Frank never stops grinning, and in the end, they leave the arena and the tent, laughing about this great finale.

When they meet up with the Ieros, Frank keeps ranting about how amazing it was to get to learn a new song, even though he was scared at first. Gerard smiles the whole time, walking behind the three family members and listening to Frank’s happy voice. Frank suddenly turns around, when they’re by the Ieros’ car and flings himself at Gerard, lacing his arms around Gerard’s neck in a tight embrace. 

Gerard laughs, but says into his ear, “You were amazing tonight. You make me so proud.”

Frank pulls away and grins at him, both arms still clasped around his neck and their bodies so close. Gerard has more to say, though, and he knows Frank’s parents can hear him. “You aren’t socially inapt at all, and this last moment just proved it. I loved seeing you among so many people. This is the perfect proof that you can have a life outside the house.”

“I don’t have to be locked in,” Frank says softly, his grin changing to a sweet smile. This reminds Gerard of how innocent Frank was when they first met, when Frank didn’t know anything about the world and a life outside, and he remembers a very specific conversation they had.

Frank hugs him tight again as Gerard’s mind fills with his old belief that Frank needs to spread his wings and fly away from his shyness. Gerard remembers the night he told Frank this while putting him to sleep. There was a storm in town and Frank hated thunder storms. Gerard was no better actually, but Frank always wanted Gerard to stay and read to him until he fell asleep. That night, however, Gerard had a very special story about a blue butterfly that needed to believe in itself and fly away.

Tonight is the night, and Gerard whispers into Frank’s ear, “You flew very high tonight. I’m glad I was here to see you.”

“I wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for you. Thank you, Gerard. Thank you so much.”

 

**7\. August 2010**

Frank has been determined to do this for months. He wants to go back to school.

“I want to be a normal kid,” he said one day, in front of Gerard and his parents, before his tutor left for the night. Gerard knows that he will never look like his classmates and he will stand out because of it, but he has also learned to accept that and has been getting help from a therapist. She has been talking to him once a week and has been helping him deal with everything that might come out of this new situation. Frank will still be seeing his therapist after he starts going to school, to continue her sessions and helpful conversations.

As for Gerard, he did his best to teach Frank about everything he would have learned in school, having done research and been informed of what was being lectured every year. Day after day, Frank has been showing him that he’s ready for the next step. He seems comfortable with his disorder, hasn’t showed any signs of being depressed and hasn’t said that he’s disgusted or anything, so Gerard discussed this thoroughly with the Ieros. For one year, they helped Frank understand the risks of going back to school and the therapist helped them. Everybody supported Frank, helped him, and in the end, it was very rewarding to see how Frank became happy and excited for this new era.

Gerard had feared that he would have nightmares about it, or get anxious, but Frank proved him wrong. He has always been calm about this decision, and as the day approached, Frank only got more and more excited. He went with his mother to buy new clothes, and with his father to meet his teachers to familiarize them with his growth disorder, and spent an entire weekend with Gerard at the Ways’ beach house because Gerard would no longer be his tutor and would become merely a friend.

That is the main thought in Gerard’s mind when he drops Frank off at the school for his first day. It’s a great step to Frank and he looks rather eager, despite the slight trembling of his hands that Gerard tries to stop with a strong squeeze. Gerard is terribly proud of him for having overcome his mental issues and for accepting that his life will always be special, and he is absolutely flattered that Frank wanted him to take him to school today. It will be a great adventure for Frank, Gerard is sure.

Gerard parks the car and gets out, walking Frank to the teachers’ lounge, where his homeroom teacher is waiting for them to welcome them and supposedly guide Frank through the whole day. It’s a rather animated meeting, as Frank is bouncing on his heels and gripping the straps of his backpack.

“I’m so proud of you,” Gerard says when he’s about to leave. There is something in him that wishes he could stay around and watch over Frank, but another part of him knows that he trusts Frank with this. He has a strong personality and will succeed in this new challenge. “I believe in you. I know you’re strong enough to overcome any difficulty. I feel so—”

“Gerard, don’t be a sap,” Frank puts in, rolling his eyes and giggling, but Gerard knows how to read past that. Frank sounds nervous, which is understandable. Gerard almost turns to leave, but Frank stops him and pulls him into a hug. “Thank you for driving me here. I’m a little nervous, but it’s gonna be okay.”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Gerard echoes him, leaving a kiss on the side of Frank’s head before breaking the hug. He leaves with a last wave over his shoulder. He leaves a grinning, bouncing Frank behind.

Gerard knows high school kids can be harsh and that Frank might go through some difficulties, as he is one year younger than his classmates no matter how much older he might look, but Gerard believes in Frank’s strength. He supports Frank in any decision he makes, as long as it contributes to Frank’s well-being and his maturing as a person. And whatever happens, Gerard will be there for Frank, to hear his enthusiasm and to comfort him if needed.

The worst part of it is that Gerard will have to look for another job and no one will ever be like Frank.

 

**8\. February 2011**

Gerard is at the hospital only half asleep on the couch, purposely brought into the room by a nurse so that someone can always be there for Frank. 

It was his first year back to school, his first year in high school to top it all off, and he was severely bullied since the end of the first month of classes. Last week, it got to an extreme.

Last Friday was one of the rare days that Gerard couldn’t pick Frank up, as he was at a job interview to replace a Literature teacher who was on maternity leave, and the Ieros were working late. Frank had to take the bus home and a group of bullies followed him and cornered him in the no man’s land that surrounds the Ieros’ property. It was bad. There were three kids beating Frank up and then a fourth one joined them, being much taller and stronger, and also having a dog. Frank was defenseless.

He talked about this the second time he woke up and was asked to share with the doctors what he could remember.

Right now, a Thursday, Frank’s injuries are mostly stabilized and he’s almost ready to be discharged, but Gerard has to stay with him overnight. Frank doesn’t let him go home since he won’t be working until next week, and no matter how uncomfortable Gerard is, trying to sleep on the tiny couch, he will never deny Frank his presence and comfort. Frank keeps having nightmares and waking up several times throughout the night, screaming, calling for Gerard and refusing any soothing words. He cries out every time, holding Gerard tight when he’s close enough, and never goes back to sleep until Gerard convinces him that he needs to. And most of the time, a nurse comes into the room to medicate him, but even those sedatives are barely able to help Frank sleep through the night.

After a week, this is really exhausting. Tonight is no exception, and Gerard is worried about next week because he’s going to start working every day at the school that hired him as a substitute teacher. He needs to sleep so he can work with these classes, but he can’t relax in this hospital room.

Frank fell asleep two hours ago after a sedative shot. This time, the nurse had to call for backup because Frank was too terrified and Gerard couldn’t do anything to calm him down. In the end, he had to step aside and watch as four nurses held Frank down and another sedated him. Gerard was just standing a few feet away, wide-eyed and petrified.

Now he can’t sleep, because what if Frank calls for him again and he doesn’t wake up? Gerard is severely stressed and tries his best to keep his mind empty, but the next thing he sees is the daylight through the curtains. He wonders if he fell asleep and if Frank needed something else, but the teenager is lying on the bed sleeping peacefully. Yet Gerard feels rather hopeless. It’s daytime already and he’s still exhausted, drained of every ounce of energy, but he hates sleeping during the day.

The next time Frank wakes up is at eight a.m., Gerard checks on his watch. He might have dozed off again because he only hears a faint call of his name, but then he’s rubbing his eyes and sits up to answer Frank. He looks up and sees how tired Frank seems too, eyes weary, his skin almost grey and a horrible expression on his face, but he looks calm and that’s very reassuring.

“Good morning. How do you feel?” Gerard asks, getting up and sitting on the bed, holding Frank’s hand. Frank lies down with his eyes closed and sighs sadly, but then Gerard sees his nostrils flaring and knows what’s coming next. Frank starts shaking and crying in silence, and Gerard leans over him to show some comfort, hands gently raking through Frank’s hair.

These nights at the hospital have shaken Frank up even worse because he can never forget why he’s here, and his bruises and dislocated bones only prove it. Gerard remembers having been bullied in school at this age, but not to this extent. He had feared for this, although he had faith in Frank’s strength, but it certainly stood no chance against four kids and a dog. Gerard just wants Frank to be alright.

Going to high school was Frank’s decision, but now Gerard wishes he had stayed at home. He had always been happy there with Gerard’s lessons and friendship, but there is no coming back now. Frank keeps crying and Gerard hurts with him, hoping for the best. He can try to calm Frank down and starts by singing him a song.

Gerard realizes he has never sung to Frank before, and his voice sounds really rough because it’s been a long time since he’s done this, but he always liked to hum to himself. Today he has a chance to sing to someone else, and he’s glad it’s to Frank. He is very special to Gerard, a teenager in an adult’s body who has to deal with the horror of a disease that can never be reversed. When Gerard looks at him, he sees a handsome man with a beautiful smile if he’s pleased, or a cute frown on his forehead if he’s not; he sees an adult who doesn’t act according to his looks because inside him, there’s the soul of a fourteen-year-old boy.

Gerard will never understand how nature could have been so cruel to someone as interesting and amazing as Frank, but he’s also thankful because otherwise, Gerard would have never met him. And even though he’s sad that Frank has to go through such an ordeal at this age, Gerard is proud of him because he survived. Frank has been strong all this time, but Gerard doesn’t know the consequences of last week. So far it’s been night terrors, panic attacks and strong sedatives, and he only hopes that it doesn’t worsen. He seriously hopes Frank doesn’t get insecure all over again.

He stops thinking when his song finishes. It was one of his favorites about men who went sailing over the moon to overcome their weaknesses, and Gerard finds Frank staring at him. He’s smiling softly, although there are still tears on his face, rolling down his kind, attentive expression. He seems to be feeling better when he says, rather emotionally, “I didn’t know you could sing. After all these years, I haven’t heard you once, how’s that?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. I could be much better,” Gerard retorts, feeling a bit shy under Frank’s perceptive gaze. “It’s just something I do sometimes, mostly when I’m alone. I don’t think I’m that good at it or anything.”

Frank shakes his head stubbornly. “Nonsense. I think you’re great. Where does it come from?”

“Well, my grandmother used to be in musicals. Not Ruth; my other grandmother, Helena,” Gerard explains. He inherited some things from her, he knows this, but he rarely puts those talents to use. He is absolutely smitten with his grandmother’s life story, so he doesn’t spare the opportunity to share it with Frank. “She was involved in musicals since she was really young, although she started as a ballet dancer. I’ve heard stories that she was _prima ballerina_ for a few years, but I have only seen pictures of this time. She had to give up dancing in her early twenties when she got pregnant.”

“After she left the dance company, she was invited to sing in musicals by a close friend who had heard her, and well she didn’t stop until she had her heart surgery. I was in high school at the time. I remember seeing her perform, though; she was stunning. Her voice was so great, so well-put, rehearsed and clean and angelic, but her heart disease took her away sooner than she deserved.”

“Did she ever teach you how to sing?” Frank asks, sounding really curious about this. Then again, Gerard doesn’t remember ever seeing Frank uninterested about anything. He’s curious by nature.

“She taught me some, yeah, and I wanted to be like her when I was younger. She made me so proud of my family name because she was so talented, dedicated, beautiful, but then I fell in love with something else and well, life led me to my tutor’s career.”

“You are more than a tutor to me.” Gerard gulps and looks at Frank. He’s so young, so naïve and so damn beautiful. “You’re my best friend.”

“Thank you, Frank, I love you very much.” Gerard decides to forget about anything he feels towards Frank, because he can’t follow his heart. Not in this case. Frank would never understand.

Thankfully, Gerard doesn’t have to think about that anymore because a nurse comes in with Frank’s breakfast. Gerard leaves for a moment to get something to eat too and the nurse helps Frank with his meal, while Gerard forces himself to go to the cafeteria with an empty mind.

Later, after they’ve both eaten, Gerard and Frank sit by the desk that is by the window, with their sketchbooks. They start drawing something together, but at some point Gerard can only feel his eyes drooping shut because he’s so tired. Being in silence like this pulls him in and makes him sleepy, and he doesn’t fight it for too long. He lets himself relax a little.

At some point, he opens his eyes again and Frank is much closer than before. Gerard doesn’t look away, because Frank is so pretty and attractive, and Gerard doesn’t want to resist today. He feels his heart beating really fast, and in this silence, the next thing Gerard hears is his heartbeat in his ears. He makes a sound when Frank’s hand falls over his, then Frank whispers something Gerard can’t understand and his face slides forward. Frank’s mouth finds Gerard’s lips softly.

Gerard pulls away after a tiny moment. “What are you doing?”

“You’re not just my best friend,” Frank is saying, but Gerard stops him.

“You’re young, Frank. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Gerard gets up and moves to stand by the other window, facing the glass. The view outside is only of the parking lot and there are a few trees, but nothing special. Still it’s just the kind of dull image that he needs to focus on, with Frank’s figure on his peripheral sight, because Gerard refuses to turn to him.  
Frank might look like an adult, like someone in their twenties, but he isn’t that age. He’s a minor and Gerard _knows_ he knows better.

Whatever Gerard has been feeling for years now, and whatever he felt when Frank kissed him, it’s all an illusion because Frank will always be nineteen years younger than him. Frank will never understand and Gerard will never let his emotions show. He’s Frank’s tutor and best friend, but that’s it. Frank might think he wants more, but he can’t know what that means. Gerard barely knows himself, so he stands there and looks everywhere but at Frank.

 

**9\. September 2012**

Gerard is at home, adjusting the thermostat so he can take his jacket off and work on some art without getting cold. He’s preparing for an art exhibition, the first one in his life, and he’s excited, but he showed the art gallery a plan for twenty pieces and only has completed three of them. He’s looking at his next two pieces, practically finished on his easels, when there’s a knock at the door.

He hears a clap of thunder, which thankfully sounds far away, and the lights flicker momentarily, so Gerard is forced to remember that the news alerted the population for a thunderstorm over this coast for tonight. He shouldn’t be alone, he tells himself in his mother’s voice, but shakes his head because his fear of thunder has passed over time. It was mostly due to those nights he spent with Frank all those years ago, but Gerard can’t think about him.

He’s been staying away from Frank, his feelings and their tiny kiss last year. Gerard tells himself that he’s getting better at forgetting Frank, but another flash of lightning hits just as he’s opening the door. He shudders at the following thunder boom, but it can also be from the sight of who’s at the door.

It’s Frank and he looks furious, with his gritted teeth and furrowed eyebrows. Gerard steps aside when Frank pushes him to get inside and then closes the door, just as the sound of rain echoes from outside. When Gerard turns around to ask what’s going on, he finds Frank staring at him with ire. His eyes are dark with anger and he has his hands balled up into fists, his chest heaving with deep breaths like he’s trying to control himself. Gerard doesn’t understand the reason behind his fury and why it seems directed at him, so he asks, “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t pretend that you don’t know,” Frank hisses, a growl hidden in his words. Gerard wants to say something, but Frank suddenly explodes into wild gestures and yells. “Where should I start?”

“Maybe how I was so fucking stupid, thinking that maybe people would get used to me. I’m still the creepy old man that goes to high school to look at the kids, you know? They think I’m lying about my age. They say I’m a pedophile! And if I try to get back at them, they’ve got fucking dogs on me and they beat me up. It fucking sucks, okay? Especially knowing that they’re right, I look horrible.”

“I hate my disorder, my parents hate me because of it and I hate them too for making me like this. I no longer belong to a family, I’m alone all the fucking time like it’s easy to deal with this _disease_ by myself. And you won’t go back to tutoring me because you think I can go through high school with these assholes. I hate you, Gerard. I fucking hate _you all_.”

In the midst of his walking around and wild gesticulations, Frank breaks a picture frame; it was a photograph of Gerard and him from years ago at the circus. He hopes Frank didn’t break it on purpose, because that was such an important day for them. It was when Frank started believing that he could make it in their society, but life and people had turned his luck around. “You need to calm down. What happened?”

Frank curls and uncurls his fists repeatedly, turning to stare at Gerard with the same intense gaze from before. He’s mad at something, that much is clear, from his pose and his tone, but Gerard wishes he’d be more specific and would just answer his question. Frank does so after taking a deep breath. “I fought with my parents about school and said I’d be better off alone, so I locked myself in my room, but my dad smashed the door down. I just wanted to be alone for a while and not do anything, but he came on to me with more bullshit about having to go to school because it was my choice to go back in the first place. And I just screamed something at his face and ran away from there.” 

Frank falls on the couch when he’s finished, burying his face in his hands. His shoulders start shaking, but Gerard can’t be sure if he’s crying or just panting. Either way, he’s weakened by all these months of bullying at school and needs Gerard’s help.

Gerard kneels on the floor, as close to the couch as he can without getting in Frank’s personal space. He has no right to corner Frank or make him feel worse, but he’s still worried. And he knows that Frank’s well-being is everybody’s concern. “I’m sure they just want what’s best for you, Frank.”

“Telling me to suck it up?” Frank spits out, looking up. His face is cleared, but his eyes are deep and dark. “I know I wanted to go back to school, but I never thought I’d have to deal with such assholes. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have gone, don’t you think? I’ve had nothing but a shitty life since I went back there. I hate it. I hate this fucking disease!”

“Don’t say that, please. It’s nobody’s fault, especially not yours. I understand that it might be problematic to live with it, but I believe in—”

“I don’t give a shit about what you believe in, okay? I look _old_.” The way Frank says it causes Gerard to flinch, and it feels like a stone has plummeted to the bottom of Gerard’s stomach. Frank looks so hurt, so broken by something that he can’t control, and it breaks Gerard’s own heart. He can barely stand looking at the pain in Frank’s eyes because he doesn’t think the same way. He thinks Frank is beautiful, still the gorgeous kid he watched growing up, but the person he sees is a shell of the young man he’s been seeing since Frank was seven years old. He does look older than he is, but to Gerard’s eyes that’s because Frank is so broken down.

“I know what I see in the mirror, what people see when I’m out, and I’m old. My mom has fucking lotions, okay, and you dye your hair, but I have to look like this, and no lotion, no fucking _plastic surgery_ will ever make me look my age. So don’t tell me you understand because nobody does. You don’t understand _shit_. And I fucking hate my life.”

Gerard gulps because Frank is being really harsh on himself, but Gerard knows what he’s talking about. Frank is aging too fast and he will never take advantage of his body. It’s true that Gerard can delay his aging with different products while Frank’s body develops too fast, and that’s heartbreaking. Gerard loves the way he looks; he always has.

Frank looks almost Gerard’s age and they would look amazing together on the street, but Frank is also nineteen years younger and that wouldn’t make things fair for him. Gerard watched him grow up, but this time it really seemed too quick, and there was nothing they could have ever done to slow it down. Gerard hurts for Frank every day because it’s such a sad disorder to live with, growing old too fast and barely understanding what’s going on, but Gerard never wanted to pity Frank. That’s not how he feels. He feels something entirely different.

While Gerard thinks about all of this, Frank has gotten up from the couch and is destroying a few old magazines that lie on the coffee table. He stomps to Gerard’s studio, a small room contiguous to the living room, and Gerard follows him. Frank opens up Gerard’s paint cans and pours the colorful contents all over his last finished pieces, as both of them are still on the easels, and all over Gerard’s floor. Gerard lets him be. He just watches him.

Frank looks so pissed off, so stunning, and it seems like he lost some weight since Gerard last saw him. He looks really thin in his old, red sweatshirt and jeans, his hair long to certainly hide his aged face. And suddenly, Gerard feels it deep in his gut, that pang of regret for having stepped out of Frank’s life. He did it because Frank seemed to be in love with him, as he kept trying to kiss Gerard or touch him in any way, and kept sending him these delicious gazes of sweetness mixed with curiosity.

Stepping aside was the best decision he made so that Frank could forget Gerard and vice-versa. It hurt too much, the struggle between true love and the need to keep it decent because they were tutor and student, and there was a huge age difference, and Gerard didn’t want to make things seem like he was claiming Frank to himself out of pity. Even though he’d tried to stay away, Gerard spent months watching Frank from a distance, keeping in contact with his parents and teachers, and sometimes calling Frank himself to ask him directly how he was doing.

After those first months, Gerard became frustrated and gradually stopped all kinds of contact, which has left him sensitive and eager to see Frank again.

Right now, no matter how good, free and expressive Frank looks, Gerard needs to intervene because Frank is destroying the paint-drenched canvases. When Gerard stops him, Frank falls on his knees with an angry scream. Patiently, Gerard puts a tender hand on Frank’s shoulder and tells him, “You don’t have to feel like this.”

Frank looks up at Gerard with a furious gaze and gets up, stomping back into the living room and heading for the front door. Paint is dripping from his hands and staining Gerard’s floor, but that’s not his priority right now. He needs to talk to Frank. There’s another clap of thunder, louder and stronger this time, which seems to startle Frank because he turns around and says, “You changed, Gerard. You stayed away from me and you’re a cold person now. I ripped your stuff apart, and you barely tried to stop me. You didn’t even fucking comfort me. And that hurts so fucking much.”

“No, Frank, please listen—”

“Why should I? Nobody cares anymore,” Frank says, sounding severely defeated. Gerard aches with him, that pang of regret heavier in his chest, but he doesn’t have the time to say anything. Frank is opening the door and the rain and thunder are loud in the background when he adds, “I used to think it was alright to age two times faster, but it’s just really sick. It makes everybody around me step away and they never come back, first my parents and then you. I don’t—”

He seems to hesitate, but Gerard finds his eyes and stares deeply into them, holding dearly to that gaze. He doesn’t let go, doesn’t let Frank let go, but Frank only says, “I wish I didn’t have to live with myself every day either.”

Frank leaves and pulls the door behind him, making it bang against the frame, but it doesn’t close. Gerard can’t react at first because he’s struggling with himself — he wants to tell Frank the reason why he stayed away from him after that first kiss, wants to tell Frank how he fell so easily for him and had to distance himself to save them from hurting each other. He wants to tell Frank how he’s been in love for years and has been struggling with his own urges and heart to respect Frank’s age and integrity.

A clap of thunder forces Gerard back to reality. The door is open and the wind is blowing noisily, the rain falling hard. Outside it’s dark and Frank is nowhere to be seen. He could be walking or on his bike, either option being really dangerous on a stormy night like this. Gerard gets his raincoat from the hanger behind the door and slips it on, taking an extra jacket and an umbrella in case he finds Frank somewhere. With his keys in hand, he turns off the lights and leaves for his car. He needs to find Frank before the storm gets any worse.

Gerard remembers how Frank used to hate storms; he was scared of them and Gerard would comfort him with stories about adventurous pirates, treasure hunters or Peter Pan. Frank loved him and his courage, his dream of not growing old contradicting Frank’s disorder, but it was so magical. Gerard loved those nights as they shared a beautiful bond that was broken because Gerard was scared of his own feelings. And now as a result of Gerard having refused Frank’s kiss, denied his own feelings and stayed away, Frank is out in the rain and thunderstorm. Gerard shudders just from thinking about all the things that could happen to Frank tonight.

Gerard doesn’t find Frank anywhere in town before the storm passes. Not even when the morning comes.

 

**10\. October 2012**

Frank goes missing for over three weeks. No one has seen him; nobody knows where he is or where he might have gone. Frank disappeared that night and Gerard’s heart clenches with the thought of all the things that might have happened to him. He went back home after ten am, after an entire night driving around town with a thunderstorm over his head, and Gerard spent the rest of the day locked in his studio painting.

He called the Ieros later in the evening, in between two portraits of Frank’s beautiful adult face, and told them what had happened the previous night. Angela said they would take care of the situation from then on, and she sounded rather disappointed.

After that first day, Gerard tried to help, by collaborating with the police or showing his support to the Iero family, but Frank’s parents refused to talk to him. They blamed him for what Frank had done, regardless of what Gerard said and argued with them. He had never meant to hurt Frank, quite the contrary, but neither Frank nor his parents ever knew the real reasoning behind his actions. Gerard was scared and confused.

It was obvious that Frank had feelings for Gerard, having indirectly proved so by coming to Gerard’s condo to fight with him, and he was rather angry that night. That was mostly because Gerard had left him before, distancing himself to forget about his deep love for someone who was so much younger than him, who was so dear to Gerard. It was too late to explain why he did it, to tell Frank that he’d been infatuated by Frank for so many years, to admit that his years of tutoring were highly motivated by love, not friendship, but Gerard wants Frank to come back safe and sound. Even if they never figure things out, Frank should be safe.

Gerard doesn’t hear any news for a long time, but at some point he’s getting used to the idea of not seeing Frank ever again.

He had tried to protect Frank from his feelings, to not change a relationship that had started when Frank was merely a child, but in the end, he hurt Frank with that attitude. By not having Gerard with him, Frank had gone back to his low self-esteem, had lost his confidence and had started hating his disorder all over again. While Gerard tried to teach him that he was a normal person because he was so honest and kind, he ended up digging another hole in Frank’s insecurities. As a result, Frank disappeared for weeks. Maybe he just needed to clear his head and heart, but this was hurting Gerard too deeply.

Four weeks after that fight, Gerard is at home cooking dinner after coming back from the art gallery that was displaying his twenty pieces. It’s been going on for a few days, so nothing has been sold yet, but Gerard has heard some positive reviews from art critics. He even has an interview with an art magazine next week to talk about his first exhibition. It feels pretty great and has helped Gerard cope with his regret towards Frank. Then, his cell phone rings.

It’s Angela Iero. “Frank came back a couple of weeks ago and he wants to see you,” she says coldly. They haven’t talked in a while, and the last time they did, they parted in disagreeing terms.

Gerard’s heart starts racing in his chest at the news. “He came back? Is he alright?”

“Not really,” she replies in the same flat voice. It doesn’t calm Gerard’s heart down, though. “He’s in the hospital, which was where we found him. Today he asked to see you.”

There’s a smile growing on Gerard’s face with the hope that Frank wants to talk calmly about that last night, so he hurries to ask, “Can I see him tomorrow?”

Angela sighs tiredly, but says, “I suppose. Visiting hours start at four p.m.” She ends the call rudely after telling Gerard what hospital Frank is in, and without letting Gerard thank her for calling.

Gerard doesn’t mind, though. He’s going to see Frank again after weeks of worrying about him, and hopefully he’ll make things right again. Gerard comes to the conclusion that he can swallow down his feelings and opinions and start over with Frank. He’s no longer a child and he can definitely think for himself, so Gerard will just let it happen. Whatever happens.

❄

“Happy birthday, Frank.”

Gerard’s smiling from the door and he doesn’t come in because Angela is in the room. She’s still pretty upset at Gerard for what happened, and he respects that. He waits until she leaves and walks in, standing by Frank’s bed for a second.

It’s been a week since Gerard got that call from Angela about Frank wanting to see him. At the time, Frank was still in the hospital, a couple of days away from being discharged, and Gerard took small steps with him. At first, it was very difficult to find the right words to express everything he wanted to say, and they stared at each other for long minutes. Gerard held on to his fondness, love and idea of keeping his emotions at bay, while Frank lay on the bed with his innocence and that profound ache in his eyes, but neither of them spoke.

A nurse came to check on Frank, and as soon as she was gone, Gerard decided to finally say something about his visit. It took them over an hour to talk it out, apologizing and explaining themselves about the things they had done and said, and what they _hadn’t_ done and said, but in the end Gerard left with a hopeful feeling.

He kept coming to see Frank every day, mostly at dinnertime because he had two jobs and the art exhibition to check on, and the first few days were essential for Gerard and Frank to resolve their issues and become comfortable with each other again. They decided to somehow reset their friendship, and although Gerard feels the same way and Frank still looks hurt, they have managed to be friends again. Step by step, they’re getting closer again.

Today it’s Frank’s birthday and that’s a good reason to come see him at home and talk, to get even closer. The smile he shows Gerard holds the same admiration Frank has always said he feels for Gerard, but it also makes Frank look like nothing happened to him. Gerard notices that he’s at least feeling better, despite the broken leg wrapped in a heavy cast and the evident weight loss. Still he doesn’t look as wronged as when he came to Gerard’s condo a month ago, and Gerard just wants him to feel good without leading him on.

Frank motions for a hug immediately, and afterwards, Gerard sits next to him on the mattress to hand him the birthday gift he prepared over the week. It’s a small wrapped up canvas with a painted portrait on it. It’s not entirely accurate, but it shows Frank and Gerard’s profiles as they look at each other, apparently happy for their relationship that has lasted for eight years. Gerard painted himself with a composed expression, but Frank is smiling, glowing, as beautiful as Gerard has ever seen him: his defined lines, his huge eyes, his real expression.

In the painting, they look approximately the same age, even though Gerard is thirty-five and so much older, but that’s not the point. He just wants to let Frank know how Gerard sees him, beautiful, happy and expressive, and the painting does make Frank smile. Frank looks at Gerard with his adult face and teenage eyes, and says, “I love it. You look so soft, like you’re admiring this other person.”

“And I am,” Gerard replies right away, without even thinking. Of course Frank would focus on Gerard’s profile; he is still really adamant in refusing to keep accepting his old disorder and constantly aging body. This should hurt Gerard, but mostly it worries him because it shouldn’t be an issue for Frank. He’s becoming an adult, he should understand things better, but Gerard knows what happened: he wasn’t there.

Gerard is back now, and he’s going to make it alright all over again.

“I do admire you, Frank. I hope you know that,” he adds, finding Frank’s gaze and holding it there. Frank’s youth is reflected in his eyes, his pure expression, sweet as always, and so damn gorgeous. It makes Gerard gulp and look away, breaking their moment all of a sudden so that his feelings won’t show.

Frank’s smile falters when he says, “I’ve known that since I started falling for you, and it was a long time ago.”

“No.” Gerard stops him immediately. He doesn’t want to talk about falling for anybody with Frank. “Let’s not talk about—”

“But we need to talk about this! You know why you left last year. You know what we feel towards each other, and you can’t deny that.” As Frank says this, in a single breath, he looks and sounds like an adult, very persistent and certain of what he’s stating.

Gerard sees him as a very wise spirit right now and he can’t help but feel his heart clenching. He just stares down at his painting and realizes that Frank’s feelings are even more obvious than his own. He painted a Frank who is in love with him when he should have focused on their friendship. He tried to hide his emotions, but he knows what happened; they’re too strong and _real_. His opinion, however, is that he and Frank can live without them for now, or at least they should.

That’s why after another long moment of silence, Gerard changes the subject to Frank’s health and school issues. He asks when Frank is going back, although Gerard knows how much he hates it because the bullying will most likely continue. It wasn’t as violent after Frank got out of the hospital that first time, as far as Gerard knows, but he understands that Frank is scared. He didn’t expect the answer Frank gives him, though.

“I’m not going back to school. I talked to my parents about this and they agree with me. My high school experience influenced most of my recent behavior, even if I was so mad at you for bailing out on me without a proper explanation, and I took it out on you and my parents. And now I won’t go back, and they’re okay with that.”

“You’re gonna be home-schooled again?” Gerard asks curiously.

“Yes. I wonder if you’d take your old job back,” Frank comments shyly, but he doesn’t look away. Gerard stares into his hopeful eyes and feels that ache again.

He wonders how it would be like, seeing Frank every day again, living all those intense adventures together, teaching his best friend again. He would watch Frank grow into an adult, would watch Frank concentrate while studying, or playing the piano in the Ieros’ living room, and he would play video games with Frank or just read the newspaper with him. Gerard wonders about his feelings and how they would evolve. Would he keep falling for Frank this hard?

 

**11\. January 2013**

Gerard walks down the crowded street on a cold Saturday afternoon. It’d been snowing the whole week, but today seems to be a truce from the clouded skies, and the sun is shining over the snowy ground. Gerard shoves his hands further into the pockets of his heavy coat and he looks up from his boots, stepping to the right to avoid bumping into someone coming in the opposite direction. He crashes into the person beside him, though, but thankfully it’s Frank.

He smiles at Gerard politely and keeps walking towards the café where they usually go to. Gerard looks down at him and sees Frank in an equally heavy woolen coat and a dark green scarf, bundled up for their occasional outing. They’re both quiet as they walk, but Gerard can’t stop thinking about the past few months.

He couldn’t take his old job back as he had a recently signed contract with an elementary school, where he teaches three classes every morning, and three times a week he tutors a fourteen-year-old girl who is smart but easily distracted regarding any homework and assignments. He’s still friends with Frank, no longer wanting to be away from the teen, but now they only meet during the weekend. That’s something Gerard couldn’t give up anymore because he learned with all the consequences of his previous mistake.

Gerard knows Frank doesn’t really like his new tutor, claiming that she’s temperamental and sometimes rude, and that she doesn’t explain anything to him twice. Frank respects her job, but some days he calls Gerard and asks him for help with exercises and the most difficult issues. They don’t talk about homework during these meetings, though. These are reserved to hanging out and having a good time.

Today, Gerard laughs a lot with Frank over a latte at the café and afterwards, they pay Grandma a visit.

“I love seeing you together,” she tells Gerard in confidence when Frank leaves them alone to use the bathroom. Gerard swallows down a lump in his throat at that statement, looking at his grandmother and feeling completely stunned as he never expected to hear such a thing. He knows Frank looks good when they’re together, since he’s always smiling, but he thought he was the only one noticing. Well, he might have been wrong. “Frank looks so happy when I see you both, and even though I don’t see him on any other occasion, I’m sure it means that he treasures your friendship. And I know you do too, so don’t look at me like I’m speaking nonsense.”

“I just don’t understand what you mean,” he points out his doubts weakly, but they’re interrupted by Frank as he comes back into the room with a soft, affectionate grin. Gerard gulps at this sight and refuses to think about it any further.

He thinks about it later, though. After he takes Frank home, he drives back to his condo and reminds himself of what Grandma said. It makes him remember how he decided with Frank to renew their friendship with no mention to any other feelings, no matter how many times Frank insisted that they should talk about them. Being young, he spent weeks trying to convince Gerard to talk about love and the years they’d spent together, and all the things Gerard had taught Frank about, but Gerard remains resolute to avoid that. He knows Frank is unhappy about that, and Gerard doesn’t feel completely satisfied either, especially because he’s been denying what he feels for years, but he _knows_ that this is the right thing to do.

Frank is so young and innocent, and Gerard doesn’t want to corrupt him any more with promises and feelings that he can’t explain thoroughly. Gerard has been pretty open-minded and honest with Frank, but it’s enough. He’d rather have Frank as a friend than losing him because of emotions as deep as love and attraction.

 

**12\. December 2014**

The Christmas spirit is very clear at the Ieros’ household, mostly in the living room, with the colorful decorations around the fireplace and the huge tree in the corner, surrounded by wrapped up gifts. There is only one week left until the holiday and the house feels even more homely for the season. Frank Sr. and Angela have warmed up to Gerard once again, after watching his friendship with Frank evolve significantly. Frank doesn’t leave the house except with Gerard and he’s always so enthusiastic when Gerard comes to pick him up, or even just for a visit.

Today is one of those days. Gerard is visiting Frank because it has been snowing the whole week and Frank got sick quickly, so going out is absolutely forbidden. Gerard respects that, and doesn’t want Frank to get any worse either, so they stay at home. It’s comfortable with the fire burning warm in the living room and the soft smile on Frank’s face as he snuggles under a blanket on the couch. They’ve been talking about plans for the holiday because Gerard is going out of town for practically the whole season. As for Frank, he’s just going to be at home with his sneezing, blankets and hot tea.

Wanting to make him happy, Gerard gives Frank his Christmas gift. It’s a mini comic book about a pirate named Redhead Henry who sails the world with his best buddy, an octopus called Squid; they’ll be living an extraordinary adventure fighting a curse set upon Squid centuries ago. It’s just something cute and funny to entertain Frank, especially now that he’s sick.

Frank falls in love with it pretty fast, saying, “This is beautiful. I didn’t know you did comic books.”

Gerard laughs out loud. “And I don’t. I read a lot of them as a kid, but this is my first one. I’m glad you like it.”

“It’s awesome, Gerard, thank you,” Frank says, grinning, clutching the handmade book to his chest. Gerard just stares down at him, straight into his eyes, enjoying the true happiness he can perceive in them.

Frank is absolutely gorgeous and Gerard doesn’t even know what to do with his heart, having felt these things for so long. Frank’s face at the age of eighteen is stunning, unforgettable when he opens those overly expressive eyes, and when he shows that special smile that graces his features with kindness. Gerard’s heart clenches with the thought that Frank is his youngest friend and the best person he has ever met, or maybe molded. Gerard has had the pleasure of being in Frank’s life for so long, ten years now, and there is nothing he regrets about that time. Well, maybe having hurt Frank for almost a year, but thankfully that’s been forgiven and forgotten. And Frank is still his best friend.

“I’ve got something for you too,” Frank says after the fire crackles and breaks the silence. He’s smiling softly again and Gerard looks away, down at his hands, but he’s also grinning. He just can’t keep looking at Frank when he looks so striking and angelic. Gerard swallows it down and asks Frank what it is, but Frank doesn’t say anything. His smile softens to a mere curve of his mouth, making him look so young and beautiful despite his adult features, and he gets up, setting the blanket aside.

Frank adds some firewood to the fire and moves towards the piano. He says, “I wanted to draw you something, but it didn’t work, so I decided to put something else to use. Do you remember when I told you that I’d composed some music? It’s been a couple of months now and I want to gift it to you. I know it’s immaterial, but—”

“I can’t wait to hear it,” Gerard interrupts him, and he’s grateful that he makes Frank smile again. He looks just a little shy before he sits on the stool and lifts the lid, but his whole expression changes when he hits a key at random. Gerard knows how the piano calms him down. He got that from his grandfather, who taught Frank everything he knows about music. Years after the elder’s death, and years after Frank went back to playing after a few months of mourning his lost grandfather, Gerard is shaking in anticipation to listen to what Frank has prepared for today.

He starts playing softly, but soon it becomes a cheerful tone with happy notes and a composition that makes Gerard think about the best moments he’s had with Frank. His reminiscences start with the first year of tutoring, the great joy of listening to Frank stutter through the first words he actually _read_ from his favorite book and the first phobia that he took control of during the first months of swimming lessons. Gerard travels through those ten years and all the beautiful things they have lived together, as Frank plays this song that is a mood-lifter in its best. Gerard loves it, especially how they smile at each other for a moment there.

Frank’s beauty is ever so present and Gerard knows that today will be one of the most memorable days in his life. Frank’s satisfied face, his gleaming eyes and particularly the way his hands fly over the keys with expertise makes Gerard’s heart soar with joy and love. He’s a wonderful player, making Gerard so proud of his former student for all the things he learned in life and for having written something so lively, just like him, but then the song changes. It starts slowing down and Frank says softly as his fingers flow across the keys, “Kiss the rain.”

He looks at Frank to analyze him during this second song and his whole expression has changed. His overall happiness has been replaced by a concentrated frown and a downturn of his lips. When he occasionally looks up at Gerard, his eyes are narrow and unreadable. His fingers touch the piano tenderly as his hands move slowly and timidly, drawing so many emotions into this tune.

The fire crackling is the only sound in the room after Frank stops playing. These last minutes make Gerard speechless, and he doesn’t even know what to think. This has been the most emotional Christmas gift he has ever received and he has an idea that no one else would give him something remotely close to this. Frank is unique for these small things, of course. He has gifted Gerard with a heartbreaking piece, but Gerard is the one breaking their silence to question, “Why did you choose this song?”

“It makes me think of you,” Frank says, looking up at Gerard. There are some tears in his eyes; Gerard can see them perfectly, glistening under the gleam of the fire that still burns warm in the room. “I see it as a song about unrequited love.”

The melody exhumed the feelings that Gerard has been avoiding for so many years, the deep, hurtful feelings towards this young man, but now Gerard is forced to drown in them. Frank’s words hit right where Gerard has been hiding his heart, pulling at the most sensitive strings, even though there is nothing about unrequited love in between Frank and him. Gerard has been bewitched by Frank for so long; he’s just been a coward to come out about it, trying to protect Frank from this monster that is love, but apparently he can’t hide it anymore. Gerard can’t let Frank believe that he isn’t loved.

Frank is an extraordinary human being, sensitive and straightforward, who has so many talents, and every day he never ceases to amaze Gerard. Gerard has in fact fallen for him a little more every day. It’s not just his beautiful face, those vivid eyes and that sweet smile. It’s the personality coming out in every action, the commitment to his education, his drawing skills and music skills, and it’s definitely the way he speaks directly to Gerard’s heart. Gerard has been infatuated for years, by the boy and the things he does, and today he can’t resist. He’s been caught up in an old spell and doesn’t think twice. Frank is his best friend, the best person in the world, and Gerard _loves him_.

The fire crackles again and startles Gerard out of his mind, out of his fears. He looks up and finds Frank staring back, his eyes still filled with those tears, and Gerard knows this is it. This last moment has been the best Christmas gift Gerard has ever received and there is only one way he can thank Frank for it.

“Come here,” Gerard invites him softly, thinking about the approach he wants to make next. He’s feeling very insecure about this, but he looks into Frank’s eyes. They’re huge, gorgeous as ever and that’s all it takes. Gerard gets up from the couch when Frank gets up from his seat too and walks closer and closer, taking Frank’s face in his hands and whispering, “Don’t ever think I never loved you.”

When their lips touch, it’s soft and quite graceful, demanding nothing of them both. Everything they need is inside them; it’s been in Gerard’s core for years, and it’s in the song Frank just played. What they need is the silence of the living room and the quietness of their minds. 

What they need is each other.

 

**13\. April 2015**

For his thirty-eighth birthday, Gerard is having a dinner at home with his family and his closest friends. Gerard also invited Angela and Frank Sr., but they politely refused the invitation, claiming that they had already made plans for the day.

Gerard’s parents, brother and grandmother were the first ones to arrive so that Gerard could have some help getting everything ready. The rest of the guests arrived just before sunset, at the arranged time. Gerard invited his childhood friends, Ray and Oliver, his college friends Andie and Shawn, and his most recent friends, from the school he’s teaching at every morning, Eli and Will. And of course, Frank, who had been the first person to even suggest that Gerard should host a small party to celebrate the occasion.

Frank has been his official boyfriend for a couple of months. After that memorable Christmas gift exchange, which included a few chaste kisses, Gerard struggled with himself to confess to Frank all the things he’d been feeling since Frank was ten, all the conflicts and urges and weaknesses, but Frank was quick enough to accept everything. His parents were a different story.

They’d always trusted Gerard to tutor and console their son, but this was unusual for Frank had never been connected to a person in that way. Gerard just needed to assure the Ieros that he would always be the same person towards Frank, and of course, he didn’t plan to change. Convincing the Ieros of his good intentions wasn’t difficult, especially after so many years knowing the whole family.

Their relationship is so normal and natural that Gerard barely takes notice of the age difference. It’s comforting to look at Frank and see a boyfriend, not only just a best friend; it doesn’t hurt anymore. The best realization is that Frank looks happy and very beautiful, even in his bed hair and red cardigan while they prepared the condo this morning for the party. While he’s always been comfortable with Gerard in private, in public his behavior is much more careful. He’s still quite apprehensive about going out and letting other people see him, mostly because as he grows up, the aging of his body intensifies. Gerard certainly doesn’t mind this, but Frank keeps his self-confidence at bay whenever he is where people can see him.

Tonight, though, Frank maintains his relaxed pose among Gerard’s guests. It’s true that they’re not that many and he knows most of the people who have come, but it’s still good to see that he doesn’t hold anything back in front of the few strangers. It’s great that Gerard can hear his giggled laughter coming from the kitchen, where Frank is helping the Ways with the last dinner details while Gerard is in the living room welcoming his friends. There are appetizers and drinks, and everybody seems occupied as Gerard tries to engage everyone in conversation.

Frank comes into the room and tells Gerard that everything’s ready and people should get to the backyard and sit at the table. Gerard announces so to his friends, but as they leave, he pulls Frank close with one arm. Frank looks so different from last year, so much more adult in the way he gazes at Gerard and the way he acts, so much more like a boyfriend. Pecking his temple, Gerard says, “I’m so happy right now, and so proud of us for pulling this off. It was a great idea. It feels great to show you off.”

Frank laughs open-mouthed, a loud sound of happiness filling the room with joy and Gerard’s heart with admiration. Frank is still the same good spirit, energetic and happy, and it’s beautiful to see. Gerard loves his cute style, just jeans and a long sleeve plaid shirt, his hair still disheveled and smelling good; Gerard loves his smile and his relaxed pose around everyone. He’s good friends with Gerard’s brother, Mikey and with Ray, and he knows Shawn too, but tonight Frank is definitely focused on Andie. She’s been great friends with Gerard since college, but what Frank seems to enjoy the most about her is the fact that she is also an amazing pianist.

After dinner, back in the living room, Frank and Andie spend some time playing the piano for the rest of the party. Gerard bought a digital piano recently for when Frank is around and wants to play something. It’s perfect, and it’s absolutely stunning to see and hear them both tonight. They play small entertaining pieces, but also really intricate ones that Gerard didn’t know Frank could play. It’s extremely surprising to witness this tonight and he makes a mental note so that Frank plays something equally difficult and beautiful one night, when they’re alone.

Eli and Will approach Gerard to congratulate him on such a talented boyfriend and he can’t help it; he’s almost bursting with pride and has to get a hold of it as he compliments Frank’s music skills and his personality traits. Yet they’re so tired of listening to Gerard talk about Frank, at work or not, that they laugh it off and Will engages the teachers in a conversation about school. They’re organizing a creativity contest for next week in school and discuss the last details as thoroughly as they can. They even sit down outside with a drink each and talk about what they need and what response they expect from the students.

Gerard doesn’t know how long they spend there, but at some point he sees Frank come outside and go back to the house with Mikey beside him; it seems like they’re cleaning up. The second time he comes outside, Frank meets Gerard’s eyes and Gerard smiles at him, but Frank doesn’t smile back. He looks rather upset about something. Gerard plans on finding out what it is, but Eli makes an important question about the contest and they spend a few more minutes talking about it.

Afterwards, as Eli checks her watch and says that it’s getting late for her, Gerard takes them back to the living room, and soon, he’s seeing every other guest out. It’s been a fun evening and he’s glad his friends came, so he sees them all off with a grin and a cheery goodbye.

Gerard helps with the rest of the cleaning up, noticing that Frank’s demeanor is out of place for him. He lost the spark that Gerard always finds in his eyes, he looks distressed and slightly sad, and Gerard intends on figuring out what happened to Frank while he was outside with his fellow teachers. He gets a chance to when his family leaves the condo as well. While he’s seeing them off, his grandmother leaves last and hugs him close, saying in his ear, “Take care of Frank. He needs you.”

Gerard doesn’t really understand what she means, but he locks the front door after the car is gone and walks back in. Frank is standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a facial expression that Gerard has seen too many times, unfortunately. Something had disturbed Frank very seriously. “What’s wrong?”

“I think it might be me,” Frank says, looking away. Gerard purses his lips at the sound of this. Frank hasn’t said anything so self-depreciative in a few weeks, and that’s definitely worrying. He walks towards the piano and Gerard waits for what he’s going to do next, trying to understand because he knows how Frank hates being pressured.

He doesn’t say anything else, though. He just sits on the low stool and starts playing the sad song about unrequited love that made Gerard swallow his pride and come out to Frank. This song might be really beautiful, but it pulls at all the memories that hurt Gerard. It’s a bittersweet song. Right now, Frank looks enthralled by it, but then he slows down his playing and says, “While you were out there with your friends…” His next sentences are short and paused, just like his song.

“I was with Andie, and we were talking about you. She asked where we met, if I was a teacher at your school like Eli and Will. I told her the truth, that you’d been my tutor since I was seven. She didn’t believe me. She asked, ‘I thought Gerard was tutoring a kid?’, and I didn’t—” Frank stops talking and looks down at his hands that resume the usual speed of the tune.

For a moment, he looks like he might be crying, with his lips pursed tight and his nostrils flaring, but Gerard brings a soft hand to Frank’s shoulder. It’s meant to show support and give comfort, and Frank stops playing and looks up, concluding his previous thought, “I didn’t know what to say. I’d kind of forgotten that I look like this. I look your age, Gerard.”

This upsets Gerard deeply. He hates when Frank feels so insecure about his disorder. While their relationship seems to make him happy, sometimes Frank reveals what he really feels about himself, and it’s heartbreaking. This will be his last year of having a tutor, as he has celebrated eighteen years old and would have finished high school by now, but the prospects for his future don’t seem very satisfying from where he is now. Gerard knows what Frank can do, knows what he’s worth, but most people don’t, and this is rather disappointing. Frank deserves a proper future because he’s a wonderful human being and Gerard wishes Frank would let him sustain them both, but he also knows that’s not a possibility. Frank is too proud and disappointed in life to ever allow that, unfortunately.

“I will never be normal.”

“Don’t say that,” Gerard asks of him, as sweetly as he can. He beckons Frank to get up and hugs him close, letting him know how much he loves Frank, how he’s proud of Frank because he has grown up beautifully. “If you keep being yourself, people will be able to see you the way you are, not the way you look. You can become whoever you want, despite your disorder. I believe in you, I always have, and I know that deep down there’s a young man with an attitude. That is something that must surface because you need an attitude to do well, to fight your battles and _win_. You’re free. You should take advantage of that.”

Frank is quiet for the longest time, squeezing Gerard in their embrace. His whole life has been so difficult, going through so many issues related to his body and now that he’s mentally becoming an adult, his body hasn’t stopped growing. There will always be people questioning him about the discrepancy between his age and his looks. Frank’s body is so developed now, practically like Gerard’s, but he looks absolutely gorgeous.

His face is soft and his most beautiful expression always surprises Gerard, with those big bright eyes and his juvenile grin. Frank is cheerful and energetic, and he deserves all the best things in the world for everything he’s been through, from his insecurities to the violent bullying, especially for how he has made Gerard’s life much more interesting than he’d ever imagined. And of course, Gerard’s wish for every New Year is that he can help Frank see that he can have a good life, that he’s no different than any other person.

Since Frank doesn’t say or do anything for a long time, and since today was Gerard’s birthday and Frank is staying the night, Gerard drops a small kiss on Frank’s hair and places a hand on Frank’s cheek, leaning his head back and searching for his mouth. Frank ought to know that Gerard’s here for him and Gerard plans on showing him that rather than telling him, and the best way to do it is by being Frank’s best friend, boyfriend and believer.

 

**14\. June 2016**

The weather has been rather hot this year, but today there’s a cold evening breeze that ruffles their hair. The sky is really orange and Gerard notices that there are a few white clouds up there, but this has been the most wonderful day in the whole summer. Gerard and Frank have been spending Gerard’s time off from work at the Ways’ beach house, just the two of them in the big, secluded house in the dunes. Gerard has been taking care of Frank, like his grandmother asked of him last year; he has been loving, understanding, and a good listener, not questioning Frank too much and always holding him close when he needs. There have been too many tight hugs lately, unfortunately, too many bad days, but not today.

Today’s a good day. Frank got an important call and arranged his first job interview. He’s been happy the whole afternoon and now he’s eating ice cream in celebration as they take a walk along the beach, a small set of sand and sea that hardly anybody knows as it is partly hidden by the sandbank and the rocks. It’s a peaceful place, with only the sun, the seagulls and their footsteps for company. Gerard smiles to himself, mostly for the expression on Frank’s face, which finally makes Gerard feel hopeful about his future.

Gerard wraps an arm around Frank’s shoulders, pulling him close in a swift movement. It makes Frank miss a bite on his ice cream and makes him giggle. Gerard grins because it’s been so long since he heard this truthful sound, and he’s missed it. He’s missed Frank’s joyful mood from the old times, but Gerard doesn’t say anything. He’s mentioned it before and Frank got mad at him and fought with him for a few days. Frank has been kind of emotionally unstable, but refuses to take any help regarding that situation. And today it doesn’t really matter.

There is a line of rocks at the end of the beach and Gerard suggests they sit down for a while, wanting to watch the sea waves for a minute. Sighing, he pulls his pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. Frank giggles again when Gerard smoothes a hand down the front of his shirt, appreciating this gift from Frank last year. Gerard knows it was offered as a joke, because Gerard always wears plain clothes and a colorful summer shirt is definitely not his thing, but this one is special. “I treasure every single one of your gifts.”

“Sap,” Frank comments with a laugh, but Gerard only shakes his head. He feels Frank’s eyes on him as he lights up his cigarette, as Frank has always watched him smoke with intent eyes.

Gerard only started smoking in front of Frank recently, even though he’s been smoking since his second year of high school, because he didn’t want to influence Frank earlier in life. There was also the Ieros’ _no smoking_ rule in their household, due to Frank Sr.’s severe lung complications. Now, however, Frank is not a kid and he can make his own choices, and he doesn’t mind Gerard smoking. Gerard doesn’t do it at home to respect Frank, who doesn’t smoke himself, but in any outside location it’s perfectly fine.

“Let’s go back,” Frank says, licking his fingers after finishing his ice cream. Gerard is only halfway through his cigarette and waves it, but Frank seems to understand that Gerard would rather finish this first. Frank nods and adds, “I wanna go for a swim.”

“Sounds good.” Gerard smiles at Frank after he takes a long drag, blowing the smoke out through the right corner of his mouth. Frank is at his left, so the smoke won’t bother him, but Gerard notices that Frank’s eyes keep staring at Gerard’s mouth. “Stop staring at me like that.”

“I can’t help it,” Frank excuses himself, getting up from the rocks. Gerard’s already flicking his cigarette off on a rock and shakes his head at Frank’s playful tone, knowing exactly what he means. “I like the way you move when you’re smoking.”

Gerard smiles up at him and gets up from the rocks, grabbing Frank’s hand as they walk back to the beach house, in silence. There’s no need to talk.

Words are overrated in this relationship because they both know they’re there for each other. That’s just what they need right now, and what they’ve always needed; each other. Mainly Frank, who’s been needing Gerard a lot lately. Last summer he stopped having a tutor, and thinking that college would be worthless for him, he’s been looking for job opportunities, but nothing has come to him.

For the past year, Gerard has come home from his full time job at the elementary school and found Frank in the kitchen cooking furiously after another useless day. Gerard’s condo, which they’ve been sharing for months, was always pristinely clean because Frank went on a cleaning spree when he was mad at his jobless self. He started hating his disorder even more. Gerard couldn’t mention it, though, because Frank would explode in anger and storm out without eating dinner or in the dark of night. Gerard spent most of his days at school and his nights awake in bed worried that Frank wouldn’t be there the next day. Frank tried to kill himself a few times in his fury, and it has only been one year. Gerard still feels the same for Frank, even for the angry Frank who doesn’t play music or draw anymore. He remembers being angry and hopeless before the Ieros found him, but never like this.

When Gerard was at home during the day, namely Saturdays and Sundays, Frank spent the whole morning in bed, sometimes refusing to eat breakfast. And whatever they did through the day, Frank would barely acknowledge Gerard, and even if replying when asked something, it was always with tense and short answers. Sundays were a little different if Frank accepted Gerard’s invitation to go out, and when they were back, their mood was definitely improved. Sometimes they ordered takeout and snuggled on the couch, and then they would watch a movie before bed.

On a really good night, Frank invested himself in seducing Gerard and providing them both with really sweet and emotional sex, but Gerard would always look into his eyes and find that something was missing. Frank was severely hollow and depressed, and Gerard hurt for him, hating that he was doing this to himself. He just wished he could do something, mostly at night if Frank fell asleep first; Gerard would lie there watching him as Frank was finally calm with his face cleared out and his slow breathing.

Frank is so beautiful, despite his older looks, despite the first lines around his eyes, mouth and forehead, and being so frustrated all the time certainly doesn’t make it any better. Gerard wants to help, though, wants Frank to let him help and to believe that he’s beautiful the way he is, but the biggest issue is that Frank hates looking at himself. There aren’t even mirrors in the whole place, except in the bathroom over the sink, and Gerard had to cover the ones in the beach house before Frank freaked out.

He blames his disorder for not making an impression while handing in his CVs. Gerard has suggested several times that he could do something at Grandma’s shop, now that she’s too old to work there full time, but Frank keeps calling it charity, scoffing with disdain and refusing every offer. Gerard has seriously done what he can do, always supporting and comforting Frank, barely commenting on his own problems at work, barely talking about himself, barely asking anything of Frank. He’s just there, ready for whatever Frank needs from him, but Frank always goes back to frustration and depression. Frank refuses any therapy too, claiming that what he needs is a body fitting to his age and a society that accepts him, but then he’s alone most of the time. Frank doesn’t try to fit in, even when he puts up a façade if Gerard gets them out of the house and they hang out with friends. Gerard wants an optimistic Frank again.

Thankfully, he seems to be back today. Gerard smiles to himself as he watches Frank go up the stairs with rushed steps, excited about swimming together with the sun setting in the horizon, and follows him to put on his own board shorts. He stands by the doorway to the bedroom as Frank undresses, and when he’s fully naked, Gerard whispers his name and wraps an arm around Frank’s middle as he slowly turns around.

Neither of them says anything; Gerard doesn’t give them time for words. He just covers Frank’s mouth with his and feels it opening willingly, needily. It’s been a few weeks since Gerard has seen Frank naked and comfortable, even around him, so he kisses Frank heavily and slides his hands across every inch of skin that he can reach. In response, Frank shivers and sighs, releases even a slight moan when Gerard grasps the flesh on his hips. Frank’s breathing is labored and he embraces Gerard tightly around the neck, making Gerard feel the rise of emotions when Frank presses harder against Gerard’s body.

When, with a deep breath, Gerard pulls away, he looks at Frank and finds tears in his eyes, but wipes one away when it falls down and smiles gently at Frank. “Today is a good day, so don’t cry. Smile at me.”

Frank nods and obeys, giggling a little too, nervously. Then he says, “Why are you so good to me?”

“Because I love you. And I will always be here for you, don’t forget that.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Frank whispers, nuzzling Gerard’s mouth with the tip of his nose and aiming upwards. Gerard doesn’t let him indulge them in another kiss, though.

“Of course you do,” he says. He grabs Frank’s face in between his hands and looks into his eyes to add, “Am I the only one seeing into your eyes? You’re so beautiful and lively, you always have been. I hope this job interview shows you that there’s always hope. You know what they say about the night—”

“It’s always darkest before the dawn,” Frank finishes for him, smiling a little more.

“Your dawn’s coming, Frank. I know it is. Give yourself a chance to live it, enjoy it.” Gerard holds Frank against his chest and leaves a small kiss in his hair, lingering there for a small moment. He wants Frank to stop being so harsh on himself because it won’t take him anywhere. “I believe in you.”

“You always have,” Frank says onto Gerard’s neck and reciprocates the kiss, leaving one behind Gerard’s ear. He pulls away from the embrace to ask, “What would I do without you?”

Gerard looks down at him and smiles sweetly to say, “You’d go swimming alone right now. Come on.”

Later, with the lights on the porch at the back of the house lit up as the night has already fallen outside, Gerard swims around the sea with Frank as slowly as they can. The water is warm from the hot sun shining on it all day and he approaches Frank with an urge to kiss his mouth again. First, he stares into Frank’s eyes intently, looking for his old spark, and it’s there right before Frank smiles and kisses him.

Happy and definitely touched by his love, Gerard takes Frank to the shore and lays him on the sand, lying over him in the next second. Frank is the one to pull him down and kiss him, but Gerard has a chance to show Frank his love and physical attraction. Sometimes Frank needs to be reminded that Gerard has feelings for him and that Gerard gets excited just by seeing Frank smile, making anticipation crawl all over Gerard’s body. Right now is one of those moments, and upon getting them both hard in their board shorts, Gerard takes Frank home and lays him on the porch instead.

With the sea roaring smoothly in the background, they’re soon naked and Gerard gets up to turn the lights off. He gets back on top of Frank slowly, kneeling down in between his legs and smoothing his palms over the flesh on Frank’s thighs. Gerard looks at him intensely, tilting his head to the side and appreciating the exquisite beauty of Frank’s face. There are a few grains of sand in Frank’s hair and Gerard weaves a hand through it so that they fall onto the wooden floor, while Frank stares back at him and gulps. His face is barely illuminated by the full moonlight, way up in the sky, but it’s enough for Gerard, and maybe the words Frank whispers in his ear.

“You make me feel so beautiful.”

And Frank looks really beautiful every day of their life, his beauty heightened by the arch of his back and the moans Gerard extracts from him.

 

**15\. April 2017**

Frank has been in the shower for over an hour, but he’s never been naked for that long in weeks, even if he’s alone. He’s been so shy for months, so closed up in a shell, barely letting Gerard in no matter what he tries to say or do. He’s been wearing jeans and hoodies all year round, the hood over his head when he’s out of the house and always looking down at his feet. He has barely even looked at Gerard these few days, unless Gerard asks him to look up, slightly annoyed by this awkward situation that Frank puts them through.

He’s been depressed for almost two years, but it’s been getting worse and worse since January. Frank is so bitter to everyone, even his family and friends and Gerard, who only insists in trying to help and cheer him up. It’s only in rare occasions that Frank lets Gerard hold him tightly and comfort him, and that is truly disheartening. Frank has changed so much and Gerard forces himself to struggle with him to touch him, kiss him, to show him that their bond is unbreakable. He does so because he loves Frank and misses the old cheery kid that he met a long time ago, because ever since they began a serious relationship, it has come to a low point along with Frank’s self-esteem.

Gerard wonders if he’s done something wrong somehow, if he said something to hurt Frank, but in all honesty he is sure nothing like that has happened. The one thing that Gerard can be sure of is that, without his persistence in making Frank talk his problems out through therapy and a few arguments with Gerard himself, Frank probably wouldn’t be alive. He’s been suicidal before, giving up on food and sleep and entertainment, threatening his life directly a few times, but Gerard is aware that Frank is depressed over his unemployment situation. He has applied to all kinds of jobs, but it’s been a fruitless hunt and he blames his disorder and his looks, not the difficult worldwide situation to all people his age.

Gerard understands that this might be true, that people look at Frank and don’t see a twenty-year-old, and he has therefore suggested that Frank could instead work at Grandma’s shop, or at the Ways’ beauty shop, or even at the elementary school Gerard teaches at. Frank has refused those suggestions, of course, saying that he won’t work for people who pity him, saying that he wants to thrive by his own do. What Frank fails to see is that Gerard is trying to help, trying to give him something to do and that he could still look for another job while keeping his mind busy and his depression at bay.

Today, he has failed to see that Gerard is already at home when he comes storming through the front door and that Gerard follows him to the bedroom. Gerard saw him drop his bag and stomp to the bathroom with a frustrated frown on his forehead, but he’s still waiting for Frank to come out. Gerard knows Frank had two job interviews today, but they must have gone really bad and now, half an hour later, Gerard is very worried. He decides to knock on the bathroom door and slowly get inside, hearing the sound of the shower running and calling for Frank. “Is everything alright?”

The reply he gets is a sobbed-out NO and Frank pulls the bathtub curtain closed to shield himself from Gerard’s sight. Gerard purses his lips, heartbroken by Frank’s constant rejection to be comforted, but approaches the bathtub slowly. He has to try. Pulling the curtain to the side a little, he sees through the slight gap that Frank is sitting down, all curled up. He’s still fully dressed, with his hood over his head, sitting under the water stream. He’s soaking wet.

“What’s going on, Frank?” Gerard asks softly, not wanting Frank to think that Gerard is judging him. That is definitely not his intention as he shuts off the water and crouches down with his hands on the edge of the bathtub. Frank looks miserable, his head over his knees, his hands hiding somewhere in between; he’s just a ball of black clothes. Gerard’s heart clenches with this painful view and he slides a hand under Frank’s hood. Frank is starting to shake from the cold, so Gerard pulls the hood down and caresses Frank’s hair. Observing, Gerard reminds himself how Frank has been letting it grow, long and thick to shield as much of his face as he can. Today, though, Gerard wants to see him, wants to look into his eyes and read every emotion. “Come out, Frank, you’re so cold. You’re gonna get sick.”

Frank doesn’t move, but Gerard was expecting this. He just sits there and does nothing, says nothing. Gerard waits for a moment, caressing the back of Frank’s head with one hand and watching as he shakes strongly, but he insists again and again. He tells Frank how much he loves him, how much he cares and worries, begging for Frank to let him help. Frank ends up getting up and out at last, always looking down and once more pulling the hood over his head and shaking it so that his hair falls on his face. Not wanting to cause any negative reaction in Frank, Gerard lets him be and pulls him into an embrace. Frank shivers against him, but Gerard tells him, “It’s okay, Frank. Let’s take these clothes off now.”

At first, Frank fights against Gerard, slaps his hands away, looking up with a pleading look filled with hurt and desperation, but Gerard can’t comply this time. He insists that Frank undresses before he gets sick unnecessarily, and in the end, Frank lets him. He slumps his shoulders and looks back down with a sigh, defeated and lethargic, and his pose gets even worse once Gerard takes his last piece of clothing off. Frank is naked and ashamed, his forehead against Gerard’s shoulder, and Gerard doesn’t even try to look at him to not make him feel any worse. He just gets a robe from the hanger on the door and wraps Frank up in it.

“I’m going to share a hot bath with you,” he says, undressing himself and starting the shower when he’s naked. He waits until the bathtub is half full of water and turns around to Frank, finding him staring. Frank looks up at him immediately, like he’s embarrassed for being caught staring, but Gerard doesn’t say anything, doesn’t judge. “Can you take the robe off?”

“Come on, join me now,” he adds once he’s in the bathtub, sitting down with his eyes on Frank. He’s just standing there, remains there for a moment or two, giving Gerard a chance to look down at him. Gerard knows he’s not looking at a twenty-year-old, but he loves what he sees; Frank’s age is in his eyes except when his joyful spark is not there. Getting that spark back is Gerard’s current goal.

Gerard is happy enough when Frank gets in and sits down with him, his back to Gerard as he sits in between Gerard’s legs, and he washes Frank carefully with his soft sponge. He sings Frank a song too, an old one that he knows Frank has always loved, and in the end, Frank feels warm and looks a bit more content when he leans back against Gerard’s chest. Gerard holds him there and sings another old song in his untrained voice until the water is cold and Frank seems to have a smile shaping his mouth. It fades away when Gerard kisses his shoulder and neck, dragging slow kisses up to his ear and face, going up and down repeatedly. At some point, Frank says, “Wait.”

As he says this, Frank cranes his neck and searches for something because he keeps nuzzling his nose against Gerard’s face. Gerard doesn’t do anything until Frank whispers, “Kiss me.”

Gerard obeys immediately. Frank’s mouth opens under the pressure of Gerard’s tongue after a while, and Frank relaxes as Gerard rolls his arms around his torso, and Frank grasps the flesh on Gerard’s arms like he’s needy. Gerard knows he must be because they haven’t touched each other properly in so long, not that he didn’t try, but what matters is this moment right now. Frank is kissing him with eagerness, and when they pull away, Frank draws back in merely seconds later.

Later that night, after a salad for dinner and a few minutes of snuggling on the couch and kissing each other lightly, they lie in bed on their sides. Frank is still in sweatpants and a hoodie, which he’s been sleeping in since forever. They lay there with their legs entwined, but Gerard questions Frank about the day.

“What happened?” he says. Frank gulps and closes his eyes, sighing. “Was it the interviews?”

Frank lets Gerard hold him close, and with his head over Gerard’s chest, he confesses his day’s failures. “They didn’t believe me again. They accused me of faking my CV, saying that I can’t be only twenty years old. They didn’t even care to look at my medical reports. They just threw me out the door and I didn’t even do—” Frank doesn’t finish his sentence, leaving it hanging in the air, but Gerard doesn’t push him to.

In fact, he does his best to remain silent because Frank has been rejected so many times for all kinds of jobs and Gerard wants him to put an end to this suffering once and for all, or at least take a break from it. It’s tearing Frank apart, and their intimacy too, but tonight he bites his tongue and keeps quiet. He doesn’t want to offend Frank and upset him even more. It’s difficult enough to feel him squeeze Gerard’s sides as he adds, in a defeated voice, “I don’t wanna do this anymore. For the past two years, I’ve battled with myself to keep my composure, and look for a job, but it’s been worthless. Why am I even trying?”

Gerard shushes Frank because, no matter what he thinks about the fruitless job hunt, he doesn’t like when Frank talks about himself like this. It’s been the word of the day every day, and when Frank comes home from a job interview that went wrong it’s even worse, but Gerard is here to comfort him if he needs. Tonight is one of those nights, so Gerard shushes Frank and holds him close, both arms around Frank’s shoulders, spreading kisses on the crown of his head.

When Frank sighs and loosens his grip on Gerard, he says, “I hate when you say those things about yourself. I know it’s been hard, and you know my opinion on it. Why don’t you give it some time? You’ve been at your lowest point for long enough, don’t you think?”

“Why do you try so hard?” Frank asks back in a murmur. He pecks Gerard’s chest softly, once and again, and Gerard smiles, feeling that Frank is thanking him in his shy way. Gerard thinks it’s beautiful, so he stays quiet and listens to Frank’s controlled breaths.

There’s a moment of silence in the room and Frank feels warm next to Gerard, who slides a hand under the collar of Frank’s hoodie seeking for the warm skin of his back. In return, he feels Frank’s broad palm move across his side under his T-shirt too; it feels big and secure, just like their touch before Frank went down to depression road. It brings a smile to Gerard’s face and a rushed beat to his heart. Then, in a sudden thought, Gerard suggests, “We can work together, Frank. I mean, we can make money through art and music. It’s been so long since you last played the piano, but it’s stored away somewhere. We can take it out and I can buy us some art supplies, it’ll be great. You’re so talented and you’re wasting away, but there’s—”

Gerard pauses to make sure he says the right thing in the right tone, without hurting Frank because he’s been trying to convince him that things can get better for them if they work hard. Following Frank’s sigh, Gerard kisses his forehead and says, in a kind voice, “There’s no age for art.”

Frank is dead silent for a second, he doesn’t even seem to be breathing, but then he gets his head up from Gerard’s chest and crawls on top of him. Gerard looks into his eyes and for once doesn’t know what he’s reading in them. He swallows down that uncertainty and waits for a response. It comes in form of a small kiss to the corner of Gerard’s mouth, making him close his eyes. Breathing slowly and feeling his heart steady in his core, as it pumps his blood and his emotions through his whole body, Gerard lets Frank praise him with more small kisses around his face. His breath caresses Gerard’s nose when he murmurs, “I love that you always try to cheer me up.”

“I never planned on giving you anything else, just love and joy.”

“Thank you,” Frank concludes with a strong kiss on Gerard’s mouth. They make out for a long moment and end up with Frank lying on top of Gerard, both his hands under Gerard’s t-shirt and Gerard’s clasped around the hem of Frank’s hoodie. When Frank pulls away and looks down at Gerard, he doesn’t let Frank move without saying,

“You’re beautiful, Frank. I love you.”

Frank inhales sharply, but he says it back to Gerard, adding, “You don’t think I’m old?”

Gerard shakes his head vehemently, touching Frank’s face softly. There’s a reason why Gerard fell for Frank so easily, a reason why Gerard has been infatuated all these years and has only tried to help Frank, and that reason is Frank. He’s a cheerful spirit, a good person, talented unlike many, but he’s also been a victim of unemployment and depression. The only thing Gerard sees in his face is that it has turned irrevocably sad; he doesn’t see any _age_. It’s there as it has always been, it’s part of Frank’s growth development, and Gerard never gave it much thought. Frank is special because of it and Gerard tries to prove this to him every single day of his life. And he won’t stop until Frank truly understands it.

Taking a swift glance at the clock on the nightstand and accepting Frank’s kiss to bring his attention back to them, Gerard waits for Frank to pull away and then he says, “It’s past midnight. I’m twenty years older than you. That’s what I see every day.”

With a sigh, Frank caresses Gerard’s face and places the sweetest kiss on Gerard’s lips. Gerard interprets it as his happy birthday wishes, knowing that Frank doesn’t like wishing them out loud, he doesn’t like celebrating his birthday anymore, but Gerard doesn’t put any pressure on him. And he doesn’t ask anything of him either.

It’s Frank who kisses Gerard and presses him down on the bed. It’s Frank who sits up and takes off his hoodie. It’s Frank who gets Gerard’s hands and wraps them around his body. And it’s definitely Frank who kisses Gerard hard again and indulges them in a sweet night of pleasure, something they haven’t shared in a long time. Gerard is thankful that Frank didn’t take him wrongly; Frank understood that Gerard is here for him and for his well-being. He has finally understood why Gerard has never succumbed to Frank’s depressive demands of letting go. Gerard loves him.

In the end, in a dark room and in each other’s arms, Frank nuzzles Gerard’s face with his nose again and surprises Gerard when he says, “You’re so good to me, Gerard. Happy birthday.”

 

**16\. October 2017**

Gerard’s persistence paid off the day Frank told him he wanted to stop looking for a job. He was tired and disappointed, and decided to stop only weeks after Gerard’s birthday. The next month, Gerard came home one day and the first thing he heard was the piano. He found Frank sitting in front of it, truly concentrated in getting his rhythm back while playing the first song he had ever composed. Gerard remembered it really well and his heart was filled with relief when he hugged Frank afterwards and had an opportunity to tell him, “I’m so proud of you for trying.”

On the first day of summer, Gerard took Frank to visit his grandmother as she had fallen really sick recently, and delightfully she asked for Frank’s help so that her costume shop could be kept running smoothly. After a few days of thinking it through and discussing it together, Gerard proudly listened to Frank as he confirmed his commitment to the old family shop to Grandma. And that day, holding Frank’s hand feebly, she thanked him and put a small smile on Frank’s face. It was one of the best days of the year.

Meanwhile, Frank moved on from therapy to a proper doctor that could medicate him. He’d been emotionally unstable despite their happier days, with awful mood swings and nights when Gerard would wake up and Frank had left the house unannounced. The strong antidepressants made it a little better, but some days are still worrisome. It’s mostly if something stressful happens at the shop, or after another of their stupid fights over a burnt dinner or a disagreement over art or music. It’s absolutely pointless and unnecessary to Gerard, but Frank makes a huge deal out of everything and Gerard is usually the one trying hard to tame it all down.

After situations as problematic as these, Frank always takes a double dose of his medication over dinner, despite Gerard’s worried pleads to stop this. Then, at night, Frank is overmedicated, intoxicated by it and he’s the one to ask Gerard to hold him tight and love him.

It happens tonight. Gerard wishes it was to celebrate the occasion tomorrow, as it will be Frank’s twenty-first birthday, but it’s most likely to forget about it. Frank has been under the effect of drugs the whole day, practically the whole week, and it saddens Gerard. He wants to make it better, like always, but he doesn’t know what to do. He brought art and music back into their life, thinking it would make Frank smile again; he has helped Frank cope with his treatment, thinking it would stabilize him, but everything has gone wrong. Nothing is going according to Gerard’s plan.

Tonight, although he enjoys it when Frank pulls Gerard on top of him, Gerard is concerned about the urgency in Frank’s actions. Frank has his eyes closed, and his mouth seeks Gerard’s fervently, as they move under the bedding. Gerard gives Frank what he wants, falling in between Frank’s legs and soon pushing his hard cock inside Frank, but he’s cautious. He watches Frank’s face, the pursed lips, the closed eyes, the frown up on his forehead, and it hurts.

What Gerard sees is a pretty face, aged by his disorder and the medication. Frank has changed so much in two years. He’s broken down emotionally and destroyed physically, but Gerard still looks for his Frank: the big eyes that should shine again, the thin lips that should smile again, the thick hair that is still long to hide Frank’s face and his hollow eyes, but Gerard wants to see him. He wants to look into his eyes and show Frank how much he is loved.

He’s interrupted by the phone’s alarm. Gerard set it up to ring exactly at midnight, and upon turning it off, he turns his attention back to Frank, calling his name sweetly. Frank, though, is quick to shake his head and pull Gerard closer to his chest, harder into his ass, saying, “Don’t say it, don’t you dare.”

Frank’s voice is slurred, but what hurts Gerard the most is the words he says. Gerard wants him to be happy again, to be comfortable again, but month after month he’s only seen quite the opposite. Frank hates his birthday, and tonight’s words, along with Frank smashing their mouths together in a heavy kiss, transport Gerard to the previous years. He thinks back to two years ago, when Frank tried to break up with him, and he can’t forget last year when he stopped Frank, for the fifth time ever, from jumping off the bridge. He’d saved Frank both years, but he doesn’t know what he can do this year.

Frank’s kissing him again, pulling on his shoulders, bringing their bodies closer and closer with his hands on Gerard’s back. Gerard reciprocates, sliding a hand under Frank’s hoodie and T-shirt and feeling the warm skin of his stomach tremble at the touch. Gerard pulls away from the kiss and stares at Frank carefully, finding tears in his eyes for a reason he can’t grasp. Frank’s whole body shivers as he says desperately, “Please, not another year.”

When Gerard presses a hand to the back of his neck, the other over his heart, Frank rolls forward and wraps himself tight around Gerard as his shoulders shake. Gerard holds him there for a long time, not moving an inch until Frank calms down, and kisses Frank again when he lies down on the mattress.

“I love you, Frank. Let me help you for once,” he says, drying Frank’s tears. He’ll do anything for Frank, but there is only one thing that Frank requests.

“Make me beautiful.”

“I can’t,” Gerard replies with a caress across Frank’s cheek. He swallows down the lump in his throat that arises when he sees the sadness in Frank’s eyes. He can’t take it. He can’t accept that Frank hates himself this much. “I can’t because you already are.”

Gerard puts his body and soul into showing Frank that he means it, that Frank is really beautiful, and starts by giving him what he wants. It’s what Gerard can do right now, so he pushes back into Frank and tries to give him at least a little pleasure as he assures Frank of what he thinks about him.

Frank arches up under Gerard’s deep thrusts, mixed with so many emotions as Gerard loves him thoroughly. He holds Frank, kisses Frank and moves into him steadily, just like in the old days, looking into his eyes, trying to find Frank’s old spark. But it’s not there. His eyes are empty, and Frank is breathing slowly and silently, but Gerard can still hear him when he whispers, “You make this so hard for me.”

Gerard doesn’t really understand what this means, but he doesn’t question Frank about it for now because Frank pulls him down again. Maybe he doesn’t want Gerard thinking about it, so he complies, collecting Frank’s mouth for a hot kiss and working his hips harder. Soon they’re both climaxing and Gerard holds Frank as he shakes in his peak, but while Gerard comes with a moan, Frank hides a sob in Gerard’s neck.

Afterwards, Frank lies down on the bed with a slight pant to his breathing, his eyes closed and a hand over his sternum, and Gerard sits up. He’s cleaning them up quickly and watching Frank vigilantly, wondering what he can do tomorrow to make this a good birthday for Frank. He can’t really think about it, though, because Frank gets up all of a sudden and gets his sweatpants from the floor, putting them on. Sighing, Gerard gets up and dresses up for bed as well, lying next to Frank.

They’re both on their sides facing each other and Frank has his hood over his head again, but Gerard doesn’t comment on it; he’s used to this by now. Frank looks rather weary and his eyes are blown, possibly still due to his overmedicated state, and Gerard aches so much that he feels his lip trembling from the emotions. He draws one hand to the back of Frank’s neck, always under the hoodie to feel his warm skin and play with his little hairs there, and leans his forehead against Frank’s. His eyes close automatically, keeping his tears inside and this hurtful sight outside.

Then he feels Frank’s palm scattering over his face, down to his neck too and he hears it, “I love you, Gerard. Thank you for everything. Thank you so much.”

Gerard has nothing to say because his throat is clogged up with his feelings, his heart trapped in there without wanting to get back into place, but he whimpers. Once and again, wrapping his arm around Frank’s torso now and pulling him close. He can’t explain exactly what he feels, but Gerard tells himself that tomorrow he will think of something to surprise Frank and maybe, in Gerard’s daily flicker of hope, no matter how tiny it is, maybe he will make Frank smile again.

❄

In the morning, Gerard wakes up alone, which is not unusual. He can see that the bedroom door is open, which means that Frank is up and about somewhere, but he doesn’t hear a single sound in the house. Gerard gets up, his mind set on doing something special with Frank today, and nodding assertively to himself, he gets out of the room barefooted. He calls for Frank, but there’s no reply.

After Gerard comes out of the bathroom, he can smell fresh coffee, although making it is usually his morning task since Frank doesn’t drink it anymore, not even in lattes. Apparently, today Frank changed his mind and prepared it himself.

Frank isn’t in the living room and everything is quiet in the whole condo, but Gerard has a smile on his face when he turns the corner to the kitchen. It’s empty. His smile fades.

The coffee is still brewing, meaning that Frank was here merely minutes ago, but he’s gone now. He’s not in the backyard either. Gerard frowns, finally worried and calls for Frank twice, louder each time, but no reply comes. The coffee machine beeps, signaling that it has finished brewing, so Gerard flicks the switch off and looks around the kitchen, intrigued.

When he sees it, it’s bright yellow and very vibrant, a post-it note on the fridge. Yellow notes always mean a warning. And Frank is still nowhere to be seen.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Spoiler!** If you're interested in knowing what the yellow post-it note says, [click here.](http://happilyappled.tumblr.com/private/50979313800/tumblr_mn568wKMpA1qlwdxi)  
>  Also, the "Kiss the Rain" piano song actually exists; it's by Yiruma and you can find it [here.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wrl8weYTmGU)


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